Getting better...for real!

Sorry it has taken me so long to post, again, esp. after that last post. A lot has happened. Today is the tenth day since we bumped up the zoloft to 50mg. A friend's psychiatrist told her it takes ten days to feel anything and thirty for it to really kick in. I can definitely feel the difference and I know Rog does, too.

I have had some rough days in between and a few attacks, but not like before. The worst, most recently, was the morning we went to meet our new doctor. I didn't slept the whole night, I was so nervous. Xanax didn't even make a dent and I didn't take another all night because I didn't want to be groggy when we met her. I was rushing around, trying to get ready, voicing my fears when Rog told me to take another one. I think he thought we might not make it out the door, I was so anxious. Part of it was because of the weather. We'd had several inches of snow, which is very unusual for here, and the roads were still packed with ice. We'd also had record-breaking lows of 10 below. We had to go in his big pickup truck, plus our driveway was packed with snow-ice. I fell on ice once and broke open the back of my head, so I do NOT like walking on it. Wearing my Birkenstocks with Rog carrying my oxygen bag, we crept out to the truck. Finally, we got to the truck, he opened the door, and set a small plastic step-stool down for me; otherwise I couldn't get in...my 5'2" just won't reach. I was even afraid to step up on the stool, it was so icy. By then, I was sure we were going to be late. With Roger's help, I managed to get in and settled. As it was, we walked in the door right at 8a, our appt. time!

After filling out papers to have our records transferred (YES! No more bully doc for us!), they took us in a room to take our vitals, then told us the doc was late as her kids' school bus wouldn't start and she had to wait with them until another came. We didn't have to wait too long and by the time she came I was settled down from the xanax and relief to just be there.

She is very nice, astute, asked a bunch of good questions and, most importantly, she listened well. When I said something about our old doc, by name, she looked me in the eye and said she'd been a partner of his. I wasn't sure whether to say, "so you know" or ask if that would be a problem. Before I could decide, she said they'd "had their differences" now and then. So I knew she knows what I meant. I told her I put great credence in what a doctor tells me, if I trust them, and everything I hear goes straight to my heart, so I need a doc who will be careful how they phrase things and also one who will give me credit for knowing my own body. I elaborated a bit on what happened when the bully didn't do so.

We took care of prescriptions, she examined Rog and asked him questions, too, then told him he didn't need to come back for six months and I needed to see her in three, as long as we were doing okay. I felt so relieved and we were both impressed and pleased. After waiting so long to do something about getting a new doc, then going through with it made me feel so good.

One of the main ways I know the meds are helping is I have noticed a BIG difference in Roger. What it must've been like for him all this time, living with me being depressed and not even knowing it...just being crabby, etc., well, yes and genuinely ill, at times. Anyway, I feel I am getting my husband back. He had withdrawn and spent much time on his computer, still does, but now we talk, really talk and laugh and discuss and enjoy one another's company, again. I am not whining to him the minute he walks through the door, begging him to rub my shoulders, feed me, and/or talk to me. That one always gets him. He'll say "what do you want to talk about?" I'd say, "Anything, just talk!" Well, a girlfriend will understand...we just think differently. I do know, though, that a part of his frustration was my the depression and the effect it has had on both of us. So for now, I will say, I still feel fragile, BUT much better and I have some joy back in my married life which is really wonderful. I know I have a long way to go, but I keep getting these neat glimmers of who I really AM and can't wait to get her back!

Some fun and a bumpy road

I had a great session with L on Friday. My assignment had been to show him a new piece of jewellery I made. I told him I'd make a necklace for his wife. My one-of-a-kind custom jewellery designs are made through intuitive guidance as I *tune* into my client and the gemstones. (My company is StonePeople Designs.) I didn't even know his wife's name, nor colouring, nothing except he thinks she looks prettiest in pink!

I had been having trouble going into the office/jewellery room as I'd spent all of my days and evenings in there until recently and it feels like a cage. I had a real aversion to it recently; hence the assignment. So I sat down, finally, on Wednesday to see what I could come up with. It took several tries, always with the beads letting me know if they liked where I put them. Finally, I came up with a design using rose quartz and small fresh water cultured pearls with glass beads of green with swirlies of purple when the light hits them just right. There are also some small, finishing beads of green, pink and white swirled together.

L really liked it and assured me his wife would, too. He then showed it to his office manager who said, "Oh it looks just like her. She will love it!" Turns out his wife is blond and loves pastel colours, esp. pink and green, so that made me feel really good. I guess I still have the "touch."

That evening, our grandson came over while his parents went to a holiday party. I had a tiny bit of anxiety at the thought of having him over in the evening, esp. after such a busy day for me. It was the first day I'd driven myself anywhere since I started taking antidepressants. It turned out fine. We had a lot of fun and he went home around 9p, after teaching "mama" how to play a star wars video game with him on our tv. First time I've ever played an active video game; it was a lot of fun. He is so good at it; it was funny; he'd pat me on the back, tell me I was doing a good job (at the beginner's level!) and he'd moved me up to the No.1 position on his team!

By then, I was feeling very tired and my intestines had been uncomfortable. I never slept that night, Friday, nor the next. I don't know if it's a side effect of zoloft kicking in, but both nights were rough roads...up almost every hour, sitting in the bathroom, defecating more than seemed possible for one body. Zoloft at night along with a whole tablet of xanax did nothing to help me relax and sleep last night. That old joke about the asshole ruling over the mind and the rest of the body came to mind.:-) The only sleep I did get was when Rog actually put his hand on my abdomen and held me...it helped me relax..his hands are always so warm and soothing.

There is not as much pain from it, today. I did eat out twice last week which may have upset things as it was the first meat (chicken and bacon, separately) that I have had in about two months. I will call the doc, tomorrow, if it hasn't improved. I hope I sleep tonight. I am only having oatmeal and toast with maybe a little mint tea.

It made me realise how fragile I may still be. This afternoon, I was feeling so cruddy. I had a major panic attack which went off into the realms of "Oh, no, what if it's (name your malady!) What if I have to fight with the new doctor to convince her I know my own body? What if she insists on this and that!?" All the old PTSD from being bullied by my former doc. came up. There is nothing anyone has told me about the new doc which would indicate her being at all like that. Xanax has taken the edge off of, plus Rog was once again, quite helpful. And, so it goes. Learning to live in balance, again.

Thanks for listening!

Give Yourself to Love

The past weekend, I have had an "earbug"...the chorus of Kate Wolf's song, "Give Yourself to Love." I didn't know the whole chorus and I missed a couple of small words, but the message came through gently and insistent, I must "Give yourself to Love, Love is What You're After, Give Yourself to Love." As I said, I missed a few, but it worked for me. Here is the full chorus:

You must give yourself to love
If love is what you're after
Open up your hearts, to the tears and laughter
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love

As you can see there is no "IF" about it for me. I feel it is imperative that I MUST turn towards the Love in my life as well as take the medicines, etc. In fact, I feel the zoloft is working, a fog is lifting and has enabled me to HEAR the message of the song. Quite some synergy there. Now, if I can get motivated to exercise my body which is desperately asking to be moved and stretched, I will feel all parts of me are being treated. I hope the zoloft will help with that motivation. I think it will based on this past weekend.

We were to run a few errands on Sat. then take the rest of the day to relax as Rog had to work on Friday and I went with him for part of the day. When we got home from getting groceries, I couldn't sit still, lie down or anything else of inaction. My mind rebelled; I could not face another day of doing nothing! So, I asked Rog to help me. I emptied my grandmother's trunk; made a pile of stuff to send my daughter back East and a pile to put elsewhere. The trunk was empty and I had a mirror which needed to go to Morgan. So I called my daughter and she had her husband come over to get them both. That's the first decluttering thing I have done in months and months, it seems, major one, at least. It is something I've been meaning to do for ages. By then, I was tired, it was later in the afternoon, so I stopped. No panic or anxiety for the day AND able to get something major done. Well, well...and all the while I was hearing "Give yourself to love, love is what you're after..." and, that brings to mind another singer/songwriter, Woody Guthrie, who spoke no truer words when he wrote Love is the only God I'll ever believe in...I'd post the whole thing here, but it's a copyrighted piece. Please do follow the link and read the entire piece. It is quite profound in my opinion and Love is what I am after...in all things...a focus on the positives in my life.

Cautiously Optimistic aka Possible, For Sure, Maybe?!

A glimmer of hope has come my way, finally. It seems the zoloft may be kicking in. For the first time in months I actually *felt* like doing something. I didn't do it because I had to or to suit others, etc. I did it because I mentally felt like doing it. I went through one old trunk, emptied it to give to my daughter. Consolidated some of what I took out into another one which was almost full. What is left out is my other daughter's artwork from years ago; it will all go to her as part of her Christmas present. We now need something at the foot of our bed, a table or bench, but we'll find one in good time. For now, we have an armchair there holding the ubiquitous laundry basket full of clean clothes which never seem to get put away.

This morning, apparently, I needed to sleep more. We had to go run a couple of errands after breakfast, so off we went. I fell asleep. Rog, bless his heart, knows I get my best sleep in the car, have done for years, but only if he's the one driving. Anyway, he took me up on our usual Sunday loop, up on the palisades (bluffs) among the peach, apple, pear, and cherry orchards. It is high above the Colorado river and I feel better when we get up above the valley, so I usually stay awake to watch, but I have no memory of this morning's ride except that the sleep felt really good and the dog was very happy. He loves his rides, too.

Anyway, my eyes are sore, really tired, but my mind is slightly clearer. It feels as though a fog is lifting in tatters, here and there, from my mind. I had to stop with Rog's reminder that I need to keep things in balance. I have a tendency to go great guns when I feel better; beyond what I should do, then I crash. Not this time, though...I stopped, then we went for a bit. This evening, I have felt a little let down, energy-wise, but no anxiety, no lethargy, no panic, no xanax...bless me, god/dess and wake me up and thanks!

So long, Lexapro; Hello, Zoloft

I hate this. I hate trying new meds. I hate dealing with side effects and indecision about whether they are side effects or just the depression, etc. Hate is a strong word I prefer not to use; it is a word of anger which is born of fear. Last night side effects had me groaning in pain, half-asleep, aware enough to be full of fear that this will never change for the better. I knew that was not good thinking, so I woke up Rog and asked him to repeat a certain phrase for me, over and over which helped.

By now, you probably know I am not religious, but I am spiritual. A friend recently told me a story which stuck with me. I paraphrase it, so it's not exact, but the gist of it is correct. During WWII, a gentle man, a Quaker had to get a job. He was in desperate need and finally secured a place in a factory; a rather rough place with much rough and profane language. After his first day, he went home in consternation. He didn't know what to do as he felt he could not work around such language, but he really needed the job, so he spoke with his god. He received a message. Each time someone used rough language, he was to send them the thought, "May God bless and wake you up!" The next day, he did just that and things seemed to go better. He continued to work there until the war was over. His boss came up to him then and said he didn't know what the Quaker had done with his unit, but if he'd had a dozen more of them, working so well, it would have really paid off.

So, my friend tells that story to everyone, even little children in Sunday school and she tells us all, it doesn't hurt to look in the mirror and say "God bless and wake ME up!"

So, that was my mantra last night. It was the only thing that came to my muddled mind as l fell asleep to Rog repeating it over and over.

Off the rails - maybe a good thing?

After reading over my initial post, from October, I found out I was angry at myself for not being able to just conquer all of this with my metaphysical training. Then I realised nowhere did I ever learn I was to eschew help of any kind which seemed "right" including medical help and medicines. I have never been one who does not believe in using Western medicine when necessary. So, again I learned I am not a Super Woman and that's okay. I still love me..I can even say so in the mirror! I am not weak for using xanax and lexapro to help me recover from a depression which I think has been going on a lot longer than I ever knew.

One thing I know I have been doing a lot over the past few years is avoiding conflict. I quit writing op/ed columns at a time when I was being published nationally; I quit volunteering for a human rights organisation for which I had done PR work; I stopped friends, the tv, and radio if the least little thing came up which I thought would be too much for me, would upset me too much. I knew it was partly because I am an empath and we do have to protect ourselves, but now I am wondering if it wasn't just fatigue from depression; just not having the wherewithal to listen, debate, etc. There are a handful of friends with whom I have had a back and forth, a give and take, throughout and I am convinced this has kept me going much longer than otherwise.

Today started out angry, but improved after breakfast. Our son called to see if I still wanted to go target shooting. I have not been in over thirty years and have a whole different outlook about guns, now, but I do still have my dad's .22 single shot rifle and fond memories of Sunday picnics when dad would set a penny on a log and shoot a hole through it with his six-shooter. I come from a long line of Western sharpshooters and ranch people so using a gun properly was instilled in us from a young age; likewise my children were taught the extreme safety measures of true respect for the lethal weapon a gun really is.

I had been so shaky from meds last night I wasn't sure I could even hold the rifle much less hit the broad side of a barn (not really, no barns in sight and I wouldn't have shot at one, anyway!) Last night, I took the third night of a half-dose of lexapro. I tried to make it the night through without any xanax, but at 1230a, I gave up and took one half of one. That settled me for a bit. I tossed and turned a lot from side effects of the lexapro, according to what I have read about it.

I did okay the rest of the day, sort of. We did go target-shooting and I found out I could hold the rifle and I could at least get to within a few feet of a target. Once I get used to it, again, I might do my dad proud and get back to "dead-eye" status. My Rog did a bullseye, dead center with our son's 9 millimeter and I did hit one target with one shot from it, but it's too loud and heavy for me to like shooting. I'll stick to my old-fashioned, slow and easy .22.

When we came home, we stopped off to pick up our grandson, M. He was a busy bee with his toy tools, going all over our house pounding in screws, hammering on windowsills. Then he set up a pillow, a yoga ball on a bin and crawled under them to tell me he would have my car ready for me soon; there was a lot to fix! By the time he was done it had seating for 14 and a swimming pool! He is so inventive and fun. We played a few hands of UNO then he went home.

A little later just as I was starting to feel anxious, Rog and I left for the store. I went in, this time, and it was a horrible time. I did okay, we got the groceries, but everything annoyed me and I couldn't wait to get out, plus my feet hurt. That is not like me, at all. Usually, I try to smile at folks because I know they probably don't want to be there and it might brighten their day.

A friend opined we strong women, Wise Wimmin, go and go, taking on more and more, not recognising the toll it is taking until there is one pebble too many added on to the pile. I believe she is spot on; that is just what I feel like. I cannot even get in touch with my metaphysical practices because my head is just kind of stuck. I can sit and say "thank you" over and over and know the Cosmic/Great Spirit hears me and knows, but that is about it, for now.

We went for a drive after the store, but it was in the wrong direction through ugly developments and did nothing to alleviate my mood; usually I can at least get a nap in the car, but not so this time. So, I have been restless, angry, frustrated and demanding. Puir Rog doesn't know what to do. I took a xanax to stave off the anxiety I felt coming. I didn't know what to eat; nothing sounded good, though I was very hungry which is a side effect of lexapro. Finally, I had a cup of brocoli soup and a piece of toast with raspberry preserves. I do not feel as lethargic, today, as I did yesterday, so maybe the one half xanax at night for another few nights will be okay and the lexapro will kick in. I do not feel the side effects as much now as earlier. I definitely think taking it at bedtime works best for me.

I have to figure out a way to get my mind into the exercise my body is screaming for...my mind is still in the old invalid way thinking of how much work it is and how much easier it is to let Rog get things for me and such. I am active during the day when I am alone and with M., but I have to get back to a steady program...my body is just craving it so badly. One thing at a time seems to be the most I can do. So, get the meds going and move to the next.

I did get some laundry done, today; cleaned the bathroom with M's help; and, with Rog's help, cleared a space on the jewellery table. (There's a bunch of stuff we didn't get to, today, but Rog needed more time off. We had to go to the station last night for an emergency.) Oh, and I have to practice my dulcimer in order to play for the volunteer coordinators at hospice on the 30th! What was that I was saying about one thing at a time?

I hope this is really helping someone; it seems like more spewing to me.:-) Thanks for listening.

On the Lexapro Trail

I can tell the effects of the lexapro have lessened. As the morning went by, I felt better, but still too shaky to drive, so Rog came home for lunch then took me to the coumadin clinic. Good news on that. My INR is right in the center of where we want it, so all of the meds increased, decreased, and added in have not mucked that up, thank goodness!

I fell asleep for a short time on the ride home. When I got in the house I saw my son-in-law had called just after M was to be picked up at school. I thought "Oh, no, my daughter must've been mixed up and we were supposed to get him." So, I didn't listen to any messages, I just called my s-i-l and asked if we'd messed up. He was nice and said that M had called to see if he could come over for a short while. So, M came over and we played Monopoly until we both almost fell asleep. It is too warm in the house, the sunshine was making us sleepy, and the little water fountain sounding like a small brook in the living room also made us sleepy, so I sent him home and came to catch up, here, before I tottle off for a nap with my fur-persons. They've both let me know it's naptime!

I spoke with the nurse who reassured me DocJ will be in on Monday if this isn't working with the lexapro. I spoke with the pharmacist who agreed with me that taking it at night might help with not noticing the side effects as much. He also said it is one of the easier drugs out there with less side effects. He said it is the old prozac with some of the old "bugs" worked out of it and that most people tolerate it well.

I have to decide what to do...if I try more of it this weekend, or wait until Rog is off next week. He may have to go on the mountain, tomorrow, if the new equipment comes in. If he does, I will want to go with him, but not if I feel the way I did last night and this morning. On the other hand, I would feel a lot happier being with him, rather than alone and anxious as most days have been. We won't know if the equipment will be here until about 1030a, so if I take it tonight, maybe the worst of the effects will have dissipated by then. If I don't take it, then I am faced with taking it tomorrow morning and having the effects hit me, if they are going to, in the middle of while we're on the mountain, away from all comforts except Rog (a major one!) and his truck (warm!) and cellphones. I think, after I talk with him about it, I will probably take one, tonight, and let the chips fall where they may. I want to make things as easy as possible for him, if he has to work tomorrow, but we both want me to get better. Personally, I am giving thanks the new equipment doesn't get here until Monday and he won't have to go any where!

Thanks for listening!

Getting to know lexapro

finally called Doc J, yesterday afternoon. She told me she thought the shakiness was probably more from the xanax than lexapro, but it had started before I took the xanax. She urged me to try to get past the side effects of lexapro, as they should subside in a few days. I was feeling really nauseous as well as very hungry, but no food sounded "good" and I know my blood sugar was getting low, so I became even more anxious about needing to eat, but not wanting to. She suggested that I not take a lexapro today and give my system a bit more time to adjust to it. That lifted my mood a tiny bit, gave me some relief from that particular anxiety.

Earlier, a girlfriend emailed me to urge me to talk with my doc as she had had terrible side effects from lexapro and didn't get hold of her doc right away thinking it was just her being weak or whatever; so, she tried to stick it out and things got worse as well as her doc went out of town that week. She felt better about me knowing I'd spoken with my doc. If I am not doing well with it by Monday, we will do something else. My Rog may take most of next week off, so I guess it would be a good week for more experimentation, though I would really like for the lexapro to work...I don't like mixing up new "cocktails." With the coumadin and heart meds I am on, we've reached a happy medium...it is scary to mess around with it. My system has always been hyper-sensitive; now, it seems even more so...the slightest change can have a fairly major effect.

So, no lexapro since yesterday morning, yet I felt it, still, this morning. I woke up angry, really, really angry. My thoughts were scattered; I didn't know what I might do; it scared me, not as in kill myself. I have never felt suicidal not in all of my life, but as in get in the car and drive when I shouldn't because of the shakiness, etc. I told Rog. I begged him to stay home with me; I told him I was afraid to be alone. He stayed until 9am, after fixing me breakfast, listening to me, talking with me, and asking me to please be well as he had to go in for a couple of hours at least.

So...here I am...it's been 1.5hrs since he left. I have managed to speak with my daughter when she called. (I will not have my grandson this afternoon, which is good, even though I miss him.) I have washed my hair...a major accomplishment! And, even more major, I spoke, coherently, with a woman from hospice who got my message about wanting to play my dulcimer there. We have set up an appt. for the 30th for me to go in to meet her and another volunteer coordinator so they can hear me play, then they will set me up with a schedule to go play for the patients. Phew! That's big scary, but GOOD scary as I know it will help me and I will love helping anyone who might need a bit of respite. I've been completely upfront with them about where I am coming from and why I want to be doing this for myself as much as for them. I thought that sounded a little selfish, but they seemed to completely understand. This feels like an incredibly HUGE step out into the community. We've lived here seven and a half years now; granted I was mostly an invalid for the first few, but it's still been a long time away from folks.

And, now, my Siamese, Kipling, who never in his life has climbed up onto my desk, has just, for the second time in two days, crept very carefully over to the pad in front of my keyboard and lied down on it, right in front so that it is difficult for me to type and I cannot reach the track ball. Yesterday, he very carefully nested right over the track ball like a biddy hen! I guess he wants me to stop, so that's all for now. Thanks for listening!

Next Phase - Admitting Depression

I met with the therapist, Doc L yesterday. It was our third visit. I used some absolutes whilst talking about a girlfriend, saying I would never be talking with her again and I recounted some of the same "forever" statements I knew I'd used the night before to my husband. So...this week, I am to watch out and remove the absos from my vocab.:-)

I also, with Doc L's help, gave myself permission to let go of the nanowrimo novel, for this year and not beat myself up over not completing it. In case that is as clear as mud, nanowrimo is a wonderful, crazy, fun event which comes about every November in which writers commit, to themselves and the world if they wish it to see, to write a 50,000 novel in the month of November. One turns off their Inner Editor and just goes for to it. I have done this, successfully, in 2006 and 2008. I think I am not supposed to do it on unevenly numbered years, so I'll try again next year. This was a HUGE decision as I was really disappointed and feeling as though I'd let myself down. I was really down on myself. Way down. Okay, I know you've got the picture. I was bummed!:-)

One of the things I've noticed since starting with Doc L and starting AlterKATE, my op/ed voice seems to be coming back! I lost it around 2000 and, no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't there. Well, I think there are glimmers and I am going to work on my first piece, probably in a different blog. I'll post when I get it done.

Anyway, one of my tasks this week is to clear off the jewellery-making table and make a piece of jewellery to show Doc L next time we meet which will be after Thanksgiving week. When we moved my office PC out of that room, everything just was dumped, so the jewellery table is slightly buried. It won't take long, but the mental effort seems so much, today. Maybe later in the day.

The major thing I have admitted this week is it is not just anxiety, it is depression. Doc Jeri and I spoke about it on Monday and Tuesday. Doc L and I spoke of it on Wednesday when he agreed with her, that some medicine might help. They both think it is likely, given past events, that my serotonin levels are depleted; meds may help bring them back up. Later that same day, I went back to Doc J and asked her for medicine to help. She gave me samples to try of Lexapro with words of caution, encouragement, and a big hug. She is the most wondrous doctor. She told me she was proud of me for taking this step as she knows how reluctant I am to take any prescription meds and it was difficult for me, as a healer, to admit I couldn't take care of myself, on my own, this time even with the wonderful support and love I've received from friends. I feel very fortunate to have such friends and such caregivers as her and Doc L.

So, I took half of a Lexapro yesterday about 2pm and within the hour I was having a panic attack thinking maybe it was causing worse symptoms. I decided to ride it out a bit, felt fairly sleepy so tried napping...was too restless, much to the disgust of my cats. By 5pm I was pacing, then called Rog to beg him to come home early. He had to stop at the grocery store. I had to get out of the house; by then I was really in a tizzy. I loaded up the dog, my O2, and car keys; went out to the car, in the dark, let the dog in, climbed in and started the car from the passenger seat. We waited for Rog to get home as we would ride along to the grocery store. It would have been a lot easier for him to stop on his way home, get what we needed and just come home, but he came to get me. He knows how much even just getting out to the store can mean to me when I am feeling so frazzled and anxious.

For the first time ever, just before he came home and with his agreement, I took a generic xanax. I've never done that before, always used them only at night. Doc J and I both hope the Lexapro will be so effective I will not need the xanax, but for now it is available. She said it can take up to six weeks for the Lexapro to take effect.

My hair has really been an indication of stress and moods. I have always washed it every morning of my life until the last few months when I just haven't felt like it. Lately, it has been coming out in handfulls, it seems like, and has been dry and flyaway. Some of that is from dehydration, but Doc J says it is also from the stress.

This whole thing seems to be about my body wanting more exercise and care taken with it AND my mind catching up to my body. I had been in that invalid state of not being physically able to do much for so many years...there's a lot of old thinking which needs to be cleared out. Here's hoping the meds, therapy, and my friends and my own self can pull it off!

Catch-up No. 15

Fifteenth Installment 17 Nov. 2009:

One of the constant sources of anxiety is family, esp. my brother who lives in town and a couple of other family members. I have to constantly set boundaries with him. He has a way of making everything sound like everyone else's fault...really into a victimhead...has been most of his life. He hates his part-time senior jobs and wants someone to listen to him piss and moan. When I shut him off, he always says, "I knew you wouldn't want to hear about it!" Usually I just hang up; today I said, "then why do you start?" It gets worse then, so I ALWAYS hang up. The only reason I called was to tell him he got some important mail in our mailbox which neither of us can figure out why...where they got our addy. He'll sort that out, at least.

He is very toxic for me to be around. He is all alone. We are tied up in his music with him, to some extent. So...I don't feel as though I can disown him, but I will continue with very ltd. phone calls and very infrequent in-person visits. He is a genuis composer...too bad that seems to go hand-in-hand with social disfunctions. It is very upsetting to even speak with him when he is like this.

I can tell the therapist and I will have much to work on tomorrow.

Catch-up No. 14

Fourteenth Installment 16 Nov. 2009:

I have let go of a large hunk of anxiety today. I saw Doc J, the one who does my OMT. She has agreed to be my interim doc until I get set up with a new one who is coming in Dec. THIS is a HUGE relief to me as I needed advice/direction on several things which she addressed, today. I will still take xanax at bedtime for a little while longer as it is really working for me as far as sleep is concerned. I had cut back to 1/2 pill over the weekend as I didn't know when I would be able to get a refill, but 1/2 really didn't do much. I think that lack of sleep really didn't help this weekend, at all, so I expect the next few days to improve. I will also be seeing the therapist on Wed. and we will talk about depression etc. then. Just knowing I have a doc to rely on makes me feel so much better.

I have also decided to cut myself some slack and not worry about getting the 50,000 word novel done in Nov. I am up to about 23,000 words; should be at least to 30,000 by now. Not sure i have it in me this time to finish that quickly, so...if I do, I do, if not, it's okay. I did it in 2006 & 2008. Maybe I was supposed to wait and only do it on even years...2010, here I come.:-)

Catch-up No. 13 and some - almost there!

Thirteenth Installment Plus! 10 Nov. 2009:

I think I am going to move over to my blog, AlterKATE and let this thread go along, accessible for emergencies, if any, and/or reinforcement. A lot of what I have written here could be part of my blog (and may be, as I may copy and paste some of it)...so the bulk of my writing of recovery will be there from now on.

Thank you all so very, very much. I met with the therapist yesterday. He has a giant, two year old golden retriever named Gus, who stands about 31-32 inches at the top of his head. BIG, quiet, loving Gus. His "dad" plays guitar, just bought a mando, AND once made a dulcimer from a kit! I will get a group going, yet! More on my blog, later, I think, about how things went. It was very interesting...it's all about balance with me..now where have I heard that before!? Ha ha ha!

PLUS:

This is probably a sleep issue, as in I never do well the day after no sleep, but if any of you could send a few thoughts my way tonight, I would really appreciate it. I am feeling anxiety and depression trying to move in.

Rog was called out at 130a last night. I went with him as he thought it would be a problem he could resolve at the station, but had to go up the mountain. Lots of very dark, winding, paved and dirt roads. Takes about an hour to get to the site. It was cold and windy. We finally got to be about 530a. Neither of us is used to that any more!

Go away vague feelings of disquiet.
Go away aura of malaise.
I shall call on my friends,
Take a deep breath
And, blow you out!

Thanks for your support and inspiration, my friends.

AND: 15 Nov. 2009:

Did get a huge heart smile this morning. M-the grandson came over with his mp3 player; the one we gave him for his birthday. I loaded some folk and trad on it, all friends, of course. Imagine how good it felt then when I heard him wailing away at the top of his lungs, "Hey-ho, nobody home, no ..eat..no..." and then, "a sold, a sold, a sold cake, please...tress, a sold cake, apple a pear, plum or ...ree...anything ...TO MAKE US ALL MERRY!" I sang along, so he now knows more of the words. But he announced it was his FAV. except that I haven't loaded Bill O'Shea, yet, which also a fav.:-)

Catch-up No. 12

Twelfth Installment 8 Nov. 2009:

I remember I tend to go great guns then crash, so I am trying to temper myself and stay in balance.

I may have done this subconsciously today. I was to help clean house then go to a nanowrimo write-in event, to write for four hours on my novel, in a nice quiet library space.

We did clean the house. We took M-the grandson a rocking chair as part of his b-day present for next week. I was going to put something on ebay today which left my clothes full of sticky fibers, so at about 11a, I stripped, put them in the wash and decided what else I could wear to meet my fellow nano-ers.

Along about 1145a, Rog was gone buying beer and bringing me back lunch when I put on the other trousers which I fixed; I go to fill my pockets and realise my cellphone is being washed, squeaky-dead clean in the washer, in my pants' pocket, along with my poor crystal, lapis and a couple of other stonepeople! They are okay, the phone is toast.

I find out Rog was planning on driving me in anyway, so that's okay, but then I realise I will have to find a phone to call him when I am ready and I will have too much to carry around to do so, SO, I call my almost six year old grandson and ask if I might borrow his cellphone!**bg** Of course, he said "Sure!"

About that time, I realise it is after twelve o'clock, the event starts at 1p and I haven't washed my hair, eaten, or finished getting dressed. So, I wash, I dress, I sit down to eat. It's okay, it's only 1230, I thought. I tell Rog I'll be ready in a minute, which I am, but the clock says 1240p! We take off. He's found me a nifty little bag for the mini-lap and he carries it, my water, and extra O2 tanks out to the car and we are off with a quick stop at M's for the cellphone. We get a ways down the road when I remember I forgot my weakest glasses for using with the mini-lap, so we go back with Rog getting instructions of where to find them and to grab the external rollerball mouse. All the while, I am trimming and sawing away on my fingernails with a file as they bug me on the keyboard if they are too long (besides when playing instruments like the fiddle and dulcimer, I know!) THEN, we start off once more.

Twenty minutes later and we are there. Only the library lady is in the special room set aside for nanowrimo. Silly me, on a beautiful Sunday, I expected scads of insane people, pulling their hair out with bleary eyes, mumbling two thousand, four hundred and ninety three, only forty-seven thousand and some to go. Oh gawd! I'll never do it! And/or, some zippy thing flouncing in and singing out, I am over the hump and on the down slope at thirty-five thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine! Instead there is a nice library lady who says a couple more folks said they'd be in sometime and... there's me. Rog helped me get set up. I visited with her for a few minutes then put the stick in the USB to upload the latest version of Ranch on Poison Spider hot off my PC at home, when I see I saved it in the wrong format...ALL of the html is showing. I'll never be able to write with all of that muck. (I have Open Office on my mini-lap.) So, I start looking for how to convert. (I am new to OO.) By the time I figure out, I think, how to use the OO converter, I have saved all versions with the html showing, so now the converter thinks it is supposed to be part of the rtf or some such, so I get the same thing. The librarian offered to look for a converter online, but didn't find anything quickly and by that time I figured something was telling me I wasn't supposed to be there, so I called The Knight in Shining Armour Services. They sent over their oldest, most experienced champion who loaded my gear and me into the chariot and brought me home, although it was in a roundabout fashion, past a couple of other places where he was employed. So, here's my writing of the day...for you, my friends. I hope it made ya laugh, at least. And, not to worry, I have the formatting all figured out and am going to check with the branch library about having a write in nearer to home.:-)

Catch-up No. 11

Eleventh Installment 8 Nov. 2009:

So far, another great day here, although my house is a mess. We played today! Did go get cat food and mail at the post office, but then we picked up M and went to a culture fest at the downtown library. We were there for about 3-4 hours. It was small, but jam packed and wonderful. There were booths with country info, ethnic food & clothing, and some with musical instruments for China, Uganda, Nepal, Mexico, Navajo Nation & Lakota, Congo, Thailand, and some others which I missed.

We spent an hour listening to a guitarist talk about the classical guitar through the ages, playing beautiful examples and passing around copies of the sheet music, complete with tablature from the 1500s. Then we spent another hour listening to a Native American drummer/singer and his friend who makes and plays NA flutes. Beautiful! He even had a flute made from a sunflower stalk! M did pretty good at sitting and listening. He was esp. interested in seeing all of the notes on paper and realizing the guy was playing all of them. He also drummed with the Ugandan guy who was really good with him.

We are home now, so it's catch-up time on housework, but I don't care. It was so much fun to just go play.

Catch-up No. 10

Tenth Installment 7 Nov. 2009:

I had a very busy day which was fun, but I am ready to fall in bed. Had M from breakfast-time at 730a as his mom had to go to an early mtg. So I dropped him off at school at 830a, came home and did a few things, then it was time to pick him up for lunch. We went to the park for a fast-food picnic, then he played on the slides, etc. with another little kindergarten boy who was there. Then we headed to town to look at shoes. I went out on a limb and decided to try Birkenstocks, again, for the first time in about five years. They feel very strange to me, but I love their look and they are just ME, so I hope that I can wear them. I put tape on the bottoms so they won't scuff. I will only try them out at home for a few days as they will refund my money if they don't work out. I am hoping the work Dr. J has done with my feet is enough for me to tolerate them again.

Then we stopped at the other shoe store to get my deposit back for some shoes which have been on backorder for who knows how long, so I wasn't going to wait. Then, we hit the road with M complaining that I was wearing him out! Then we went to a small newspaper's office to pick up rolls of unused paper for art projects. They just give them away for free. They are really great for a kid to have a blast with. We got one for his house and one for ours. About then, I realised my tank of O2 was empty, so we hightailed it to the O2 place which wasn't far away and got another bottle. By then, I was getting tired, too, so we headed home. Morgan managed to stay awake. We dropped off one roll of paper at his house, came home, went potty, he got out the UNO cards as that's what he'd been asking to do all day, and I got us half bagels and OJ. He'd just dealt the cards when his mom called him. He thought she said she'd be here soon, then we heard a beep-beep...she was in the driveway. By this time it's 330p, but we're having so much fun, he begs to stay she says yes, I beat his socks off a couple of hands of UNO, then he went home. It's okay, he beat my socks off this morning before school about six games worth.

All in all it was a pretty good day baring a couple of twinges of anxiousness and some aches and pains and feeling tired, but you know what? It is a good tired because it is from being so active instead being tired from illness etc. Wow, what a new and welcome feeling.

I have not worked on the novel today or yesterday except in my head. I have a bunch of stuff I need to add in. On Sunday, there is a NaNoWriMo Write-In Event at the local library...four hours of nice quiet space filled with writers tapping away on their greatest hope. I've always eschewed getting into groups like that because I write well on my own, but I think it will be fun to just meet others and, if someone is fairly new, who knows, maybe I can show them the ropes.:-)

Tomorrow we may take M to see a classical guitarist and a Native American dancer and singer at the library's culture fest.

Catch-up No. 9

Ninth Installment 5 Nov. 2009:

We were both so tired last night, we went to bed at 845p! And, Rog slept in a tiny bit this morning until 730p. He has been so tired out from the move and subsequent problems with equipment and morons...it will be good when it settles down.

I did pretty well yesterday. We had to drop off the car for an estimate, so I was home all day without transportation. I had plenty to do, worked on my nanowrimo novel, did some laundry and such. Rog came home for lunch which was nice. Then I took a nap after working on the computer a bit more.

Work up not feeling that upbeat, but no real anxiety. BUT, just about then the car repair place called; it wasn't an engine compression problem, thank goodness, but it did need a tune-up with plugs, new plug wires, etc. to the tune of $350.00! It's been a long time since we've had to pay for such and I was a bit surprised and dismayed. I shouldn't have been, that car always knows just how much little extra we might have and waits to spend it for us at just the moment when we've both sighed with relief at having a little extra. I guess we should be happy it is so accommodating and waits until we actually have it!

By this time it was about 330p. Rog had promised to be on standby if I felt really anxious and needed to get out of the house. I called him, not in too much of a panic, just wanting to get out of the house and comfirm what they said about the car. He started for home at just about 5p; we were going to go to the store together. A few minutes later he called to say he had to go back to work to make sure the kids knew how to run the remote truck for a live shot (no pun intended) at a possible bank robbery. He didn't have to go to the site, just back to the station. So, I was still stuck in the house, still no outright panic. I did go outside and sit on the steps' landing for a few minutes, but that got cold. Came in and watched Tom Brokaw who was in town touting the health care system here. (I had a few choice words for him and was reminded of why I don't watch tv news.) By that time I was over any tinges of anxiety, Rog called and went to the store without me, which was okay, and then he was home. So I made it without freaking out over no wheels and Rog being here later than expected.

Catch-up No. 8

Eighth Installment 3 Nov 2009:

In an effort to ward off any afternoon anxiety, I headed out to Starbucks after M went home, today. He whipped my socks off in a marathon game of Monopoly (the kid is a land Baron!) I had my mini-laptop with me and was going to work on my nanowrimo novel. Got there, almost didn't go in, but decided I owed it to myself to do so. Got my hot chocolate and a single seater table.

Set up the laptop, switched eye glasses and started to write. The keyboard is 89% the size of a regular one, so it's not too bad, but the touch mouse pad is super sensitive, so we had to get used to one another. I hope no one heard me threaten it. I finally found a starting place and commenced. I did pretty well with about 450 words in a half hour but then I got sandwiched between a new teenage mother giving a blow by blow account of her son's entrance to the world (he was adorable and she wasn't too obnoxious, just a little hyper talking about her water breaking etc.) and a poor guy behind me who, when the server asked him if he was okay, blurted out how he hasn't been able to get work in over a year and can't buy things for his little girl, and has a college degree and experience and he was an Iraqi war veteran.

My heart was smooshed between the elation of the new mom and the sorrow and anguish I heard in that good man's voice. My first instinct was to turn and commiserate with him, but, right now I know that is not best for me, so I packed up, quietly, and left. I don't think Starbucks is the place for me to get away to write. Next I will check out the library and bookstores. I hope I can get to the point where I can just stay home and write as it is much faster for me on a regular sized keyboard and easier on my neck and shoulders, too. I am giving myself a pat on the back for even going and trying. I could think of a zillion reasons not to.:-) Thanks for listening.

Catch-up No. 7

Seventh Installment 2 Nov. 2009:

Phew! I made it, (to the first therapy session) a lot thanks to you all giving me courage!

What a wonderful man, Doc L, I met with this morning. We have a lot in common and I really like him. I will see him next week when we will talk more, of course.

I have some "homework." I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but it is all stuff I feel good about and can do...it may take a bit of thinking but I can do it.

I did get really antsy this afternoon and had to get out of the house. M and I were just getting ready to go to the store when his dad came to get him after work. I went to the store alone and was okay, but then had that awful feeling about 5p. Went out to the car and sat waiting for Rog to get home and go to the grocery store with me. He is a good and patient man. I am better now.

I found it is not such a bad thing to *listen* to the anxiety and see what it wants, i.e. get out of the house, etc. AND one strategy the doc gave me was to plan things to do out of the house in the later afternoon when I know I may feel badly. One thing I may do is, after M goes home, take my new mini-laptop to the library/bookstore/coffeeshop and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. This is day two, technically and I only have about 4000 words!

Thanks, again, my dear, dear friends. I am overwhelmed at your kindness and would only remind you I give out what I receive, so right back atcha all the kind and wonderful things you have said.

Catch-up No.6

Sixth Installment...a shorty! 27 Oct. 2009:

I have changed what I do when I go to bed; for the first time in my life I am not reading in bed. There have been a few books, lately, which have kept me awake because I wanted to know what happens next! The only thing which helps, right now, is music, specifically Native American flute, some tapes I've had for umpteen years which evoke some happy memories.

Catch-up No.5

Fifth Installment 26 Oct 2009:

I had some major anxiety last night. This morning, I called Dr. J's office, the woman who does OMT. I was going to just ask her for more xanax (I've had two, one each the past two nights and it has helped) until I see the therapist on Nov. 2. They said she had an opening this morning, so I went in to see her. She thinks the serotonin levels in my brain were depleted and haven't caught up to how much better I am doing physically. She would have preferred putting me on a anti-depressant, but I don't feel that depressed and also don't like the idea of taking something new. At least with xanax I know what to expect and can get some sleep. I only have 20 tabs and my docs know I don't have a problem with getting off of it. I am also going to look into natural remedies for the serotonin. She also recommended another doc in their practice whom she thinks I would like a lot better that my PCP. The guy she recommended is more wholistic, spiritual,. and calm...so, though I feel some anxiety about just making the call, I am going to call and see if I can get into see him in the next month. If I can't or don't like him for some reason, she has also given me the name of a woman who is coming to a new practice in Dec. or Jan. Either way, I will be getting a new doc!

I know I don't need permission from anyone about what to do with my body, but she suggested that I could take a half of a xanax during the day if I felt an attack coming on; I've been using them at night only. I think just her "giving me permission" to do so had a big effect as I have not had any anxiety of any significance today. Of course, I know that has a lot to do with you all, too. So that's me...an update and being cautiously optimistic.:-)

Catch-up No.4

Fourth Installment 25 Oct. 2009:

It IS important to be reminded that this is temporary. I spoke with my niece last night. She is a very wise, genius-type with both feet planted on earth and an incredible bit of experience. She talked me through a nasty attack and called back today to help me with my confidence and doc issues. The major thing today is we finally moved the computers. THAT, I think, is going to make a BIG difference.

My plan for tomorrow is to call for an appt. with a new doc to go meet her and see if we would be a good "fit." I will also start putting my old office back together...it is a huge mess!

I managed a tiny walk and did some qi gong and that helps. My Rog is worn out beyond belief..if you have any spare energy to send him, it would be appreciated. The move is now in the put-it-all-together and make it all work even better AND install some other all new systems which have learning curves.

Even though my Rog has been exhausted, he did get some major stuff done, today. We started out thinking a narrow table was going to be okay for my computer station in the dining room, across from where he is in the kitchen, but when we tried it, it was obviously not going to work. So, I emptied it, emptied the smaller library table we use for a dining table in the kitchen and put it over in the dining room for my PC. Then I emptied the jewellery table which had stuff piled on it from my desk clean-up a few weeks ago. That is the larger library table and we would move it out to the kitchen for our dining table. Covered, of course, to be careful with it. It has been used that way before. Anyway, it is big and hard to get out of the office. I knew Rog didn't want to do it and he was being very grumbly. BY this point I would normally get mad and frustrated, throw up my hands and say forget it! But, this time I knew we had to get it done, so I stayed calm and called my daughter. She and her husband, with M, came over and moved the big table out to the kitchen and the smaller, narrow table back to the office for a jewellery table.

After a few more bumps with Rog in determining what needed to be done network-wise, etc. he finally moved my main PC, printer, scanner, and cassette dubber to the dining room. We have it all set up and are listening, now, to Celtic Sojourn on WGBH. It feels really good to be sitting out here with Rog, talking with you all, with my houseplants looking over my shoulder.:-) There is still a lot to be done. Tons of stuff to put away or get rid of. I hope having this major shift done will help with the anxiety as I know some of it was coming from looking at all of the stuff I wanted to do on the PC out here and couldn't do until it was moved.

Right now, I am typing this in the dining room, just across from the kitchen where Rog is, while we listen to NPR on the radio and it is really nice to be out here instead of feeling so isolated back in the office. Now it will be strictly for writing, jewellery-making, and meditation.

Thank you, my friends.

Catch-up - Third Installment

Third Installment 24 Oct. 2009 - later in the day:

So far, today, I am feeling more at ease, I suppose because Rog is here and we did get some errands done this morning. I will be glad of a good night's sleep tonight. Part of last night's problem was dehydration...still having some effect today, but getting better.

I was going to post the long, dreary story of all that has gone on, but I don't think I want all of that "out" there. It's enough to say every week from the first of April to end of Sept. was the doc wanting more blood tests, wanting many more invasive tests, etc. with me saying "no wait, let's see, I know what this is...we've been here before," to him then, him warning me with all kinds of dire predictions, his nurse calling to say he really wanted me to reconsider because WHAT IF...they gave no credit for what a person can really know about their own body...no pollyanna shite in sight, based on past medical records of past 5 years. (Looks as though I am going to blither anyway:-)

On top of all of that, when I said no to all of the extreme tests he wanted to get done, he sent me to the cardio to make sure THAT wasn't causing the "problem." The cardio scared the hell out of me muttering something about loose stitches around the mechanical heart valve AND open heart surgery to fix any they might find! I told him he was causing some REAL anxiety to which he replied, "I don't mean to." AFTER all of that, my regular doc's in-house tests show the heart and lungs doing fine and well and I proved I know my body, but they put me in a horrible tailspin and I became fearful and dependent thinking I had to look to them for every little thing which bugged my body...they undermined my confidence and I am just now starting to get it back. To be fair to the regular doc, I did confront him at one point and he apologised, but it's the authoritative way of him that I will not deal with any more.

The other thing which really pushed me over the top in the past two weeks was a friend with whom I have counselled before...she is not as skilled in non-threatening, non-accusatory language as I am, but she is brilliant and comes up with good and helpful stuff, usually. Not so recently. She went off on how much she hates allopathic medicine and how it had made me a hypochondriac, though she agreed it had only been in the past few months that she heard me talking so much about my health and the docs, and a bunch of other crap. I felt as though I'd been sucker-punched and it took me a week to get her out of my head. She sent an email apology, but again had to just "reiterate" what she meant, as if I did not get it! Okay, that's enough. Thanks for listening. And, thanks for your support...better, but still fragile.

Catch-up - Second Installment

Second Installment 24 Oct. 2009:

Don't know why, but here I am, not a lick of sleep since my head hit the pillow at 1130p, so I gave up, for now at least. Excited about Rog and I having the weekend together, again and all that we will do. My mind keeps trying to go off on a tangent of doom and gloom so I've been busy reining it back in...I think I will have a good nap this morning when Rog is driving us around to our errands!

No tylenol, no albuterol,and no claritin for almost two weeks now and I am getting better sleep, when I get it. This is really the only very l-o-n-g night I've had since giving those up. I am convinced some of the anxiety is from PTSD over the past six months, esp. in dealing with an authoritarian doc with whom I feel I had to fight tooth and nail when he wanted to go off on tangents with a bunch of unnecessary tests when I knew what the problem was and had to prove it to him. When I think of that, I am determined to get a new doctor, but the anxiety then rears up and says...ugh...having to explain everything...get up to speed with a new doc...so much work and what if...then I yell "STOP" and redirect my mind. IF I can give myself some time and take each day then I don't feel so anxious. For those of you who may be very concerned, I have an appt. on Nov. 2nd to see a therapist recommended by the woman doc I go to for OMT. I trust her judgement implicitly, so am looking forward to the appt. Now I am getting sleepy, so maybe I am off to dream.:-) Thanks for listening.

Playing Catch-up aka Self-Plagarizing

I have had a limited capacity for writing over the past few weeks, so was posting more on another site rather than here; most of what I said there is what I would have said here, so...I am going to copy and paste some of that in order to catch up; then, I hope to carry on mostly here. Hope that is clearer than mud!:-) It is ALL related to the Altering of Kate - that's me!*bg*

First Installment 21 Oct. 2009:

Some of you have known I've been a bit under the weather ever since contracting pneumonia last April. I thank you for your discretion. I had a delightful doctor's visit, today, with the woman doc who does OMT, osteo-manipulation-therapy and also some spiritual counseling/work...hands on kind of stuff. I was asking about coping with a lot of anxiety I've been having lately. (My mind has been latching onto every little thing, going off on tangents.)

There are many reasons for this not least of which is my Rog having to work every weekend and a lot of late nights this past month as they moved the television station where he is chief engineer. This coming weekend is the first he will have had off in over a month. THAT has completely messed up our home routines and I have felt very alone. As a consequence errands have piled up as has housework, etc. We do have clean clothes and food, at least.:-)

But, other factors have had their impact, too, losing our soul mate friend in April, Sandy and his grandson, and now Barry, as well as various friends being in hospital, two of whom I am very close to, and I had some major complications with side effects of the pneumonia and the meds they prescribed for it. Also, feeling as if I had to gird up for a fight every time I went in to see my regular doc. (That will be changing, soon.) Plus, certain family members have been projecting their own major anxieties which I feel I have picked up on.

In talking with the doc this morning, it came to me I have not asked my online friends for help as I thought there was just too much for us all to already cope with and I didn't want to add to the burden. I now realise this was rather stupid, so here I am, hat in hand, so to speak, asking you, please, for some good energy, calm, peacefullness, etc. The docs say my lungs and heart are fine. It's that old bugaboo panic/anxiety that needs to be gone.

Another good thing we determined...I want to be playing my dulcimer to help folks heal, so I am going to try going to a Peace Garden at a local hospital and just sit and play...I find nursing homes and hospice too sad for me, right now, but the garden is nurturing and any one who wants may wander in for a listen, i.e. it feels *safe* for me, too. (I've been really anxious about germs, lately!*bg*)

I've got to take baby steps, but it feels good to do so and it feels VERY good to come to my friends. Thank you, very much.

I can see it is going to take some practice at keeping this blog going. I started writing on a forum I frequent, again, and realise I have been neglecting this blog. With very kind encouragement from a friend, I am here to continue.

This week has brought much revelation not least of which is I had not been asking my online social network friends for help through a hellish six months. I *thought* they all had too much on their plates already, I know I did, so go figure, right? Well, when I saw my OMT doc this week and burst out crying about panic, anxiety, and depression, we started talking and it hit me...I had not asked my friends for help! They had helped me through so much before, including open heart surgery! I went home that day and sat down to write to them. The responses have been so loving, kind, silly bringing on healing laughter, supportive, etc, I shake my head and wonder that I waited SO long. Shows you where my head has been!

I will write more, I promise. For now, this is what I can muster. It is late afternoon and I have almost passed the 2-5pm time which seems to be my low point for attacks.

My Rog will be home with me this whole weekend...that's the other thing which had thrown me off...he's been gone three weekends in a row and several late nights as they moved the television station he is chief engineer for...so I've been alone plus had no help around the house. we've both had colds and I am still on oxygen during the day until I lose ten more pounds gained from steroids when I had pneumonia back in April. It's been a long haul, but my thoughts are turning more towards what my friends are saying rather than doom and gloom. One friend calls it her "Doom and Gloom" voice and does not deny it or pretend it doesn't exist as that doesn't work. What she does do is say "Thank you for sharing, now move along!" Works for me! Take care dear ones and may blessed beings of light guide your way!

Taking action...give it up, give it up!

On a practical matter, JR also told me the albuterol I was using could cause anxiety and also shaking. I have had jerky limbs, shaky hands and feet for months which the docs said they thought was from weakened muscles from being inactive whilst ill and possibly from a muscle relaxant, tizanadine, they had me on.

So, when I prepared for bed last night, I created a different routine. From the time, JR and I said goodbye on the phone, I have been writing down whatever I was thinking and feeling with reminders that I AM NOT WHAT I THINK. A few minutes later, another girlfriend called. Last time we spoke she was in her own depths of despair and I had been concerned about her. She sounded MUCH better and as we talked about what had improved for her and what I was struggling with, she told me about a bumper sticker she'd seen:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK!

What a perfect summation of we had been talking about! Earlier in the evening, after talking with JR, I was busy scribbling down my thoughts as they were coming in fast, just as JR pointed out to me. She didn't think I realised just how much time I was spending in the OLD thinking. My hand got tired of writing about them all; I can barely read some of what I wrote last night! What I can read well are things such as

My Consciousness recognises this thinking.
I am not my Thinking!
Broken thinking is false.
Expose thinking through Higher Consciousness.
BE CALM AND RESTING WHILE IN BED.

It was not easy to adhere to those. I had a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of not using the albuterol and tylenol at night; fear of lack of sleep; fear of lack of energy; fear of a general miasma of ill-feeling/anxiety with no focus. I was even fearing what I might say to my other girlfriend when she called! I was rehearsing what I would say to her because I didn't want to give the negative in my life any energy. BUT that was ridiculous as I soon found out when she said hello. My fears were a result of false thinking. We had a wonderful visit; she helped me and told me of the bumper sticker. THAT stuck in my head!

And, so to bed...next post.:-)

How did I get here. Funny you should ask!

Sometimes it takes a really good friend, someone we really trust, to smack us upside the head and wake us up. I've been moping for over six months from having pneumonia and subsequent side effects from various medicines, etc. My girlfriend pointed out to me, once again, how much time I had been spending on thinking and talking about my doctors, medicines, health or what I saw as lack of health. I knew I was on a vicious cycle, but kept looking outside of myself for answers for what to do about it. JR, my friend, was very firm with me as we talked on the phone last night. I have been feeling much anxiety and some depression, esp. lately. First we realised the anxiety could be caused by the albuteral I no longer needed but was using at night and during the day to calm down my breathing. My lungs were declared fine months ago by all the docs. I was declared well and good months ago. So...what JR helped me with was remembering what I've always known: I AM NOT MY THINKING. My Higher Consciousness recognises that broken thinking, i.e. OLD thinking is FALSE, is BROKEN and had been dominating my life. Every time a little thing would happen, a sleepless night, a hangnail, a slight cough, a sore toe, my mind would immediately take off on a tangent, building it up into far realms of doctors visits, dire pronouncements, medicines, and even, surgery! I didn't get to that state overnight, to be sure. I have had legitimate and major health issues and I think (there's that word, again!) I have had some post surgical, post pneumonia stress disorder, but my Higher Consciousness tells me the Truth, that I am able, well, and need have no fear. That "Right here, Right Now, All is Well, and I am Safe and Sound." That's living in the Now, for me. But, even that has not been enough, lately. So, when I asked JR what to do and after we agreed it would have to come from within, she advised me to write down the thinking and to remember I AM NOT MY THINKING. More in the next post.

What is alterKATE?

At 56 years of age, what I call "centre-age," I have just completed a seven year cycle of my life which included being on oxygen for eight years for a leaky heart valve, getting the valve replaced and dealing with two bouts of pneumonia over the past three years. There's more, but THIS blog is to chronicle my alteration from OLD THINKING as an invalid to NEW THINKING, transforming myself and my life to HEALTH through my Higher Consciousness which can easily distinguish the Truth from what seems to be the facts. I am calling this "alterKATE" as I have been known as some form of "Kate" most of my adult life and I like the connotations.