Next Phase - Admitting Depression

I met with the therapist, Doc L yesterday. It was our third visit. I used some absolutes whilst talking about a girlfriend, saying I would never be talking with her again and I recounted some of the same "forever" statements I knew I'd used the night before to my husband. So...this week, I am to watch out and remove the absos from my vocab.:-)

I also, with Doc L's help, gave myself permission to let go of the nanowrimo novel, for this year and not beat myself up over not completing it. In case that is as clear as mud, nanowrimo is a wonderful, crazy, fun event which comes about every November in which writers commit, to themselves and the world if they wish it to see, to write a 50,000 novel in the month of November. One turns off their Inner Editor and just goes for to it. I have done this, successfully, in 2006 and 2008. I think I am not supposed to do it on unevenly numbered years, so I'll try again next year. This was a HUGE decision as I was really disappointed and feeling as though I'd let myself down. I was really down on myself. Way down. Okay, I know you've got the picture. I was bummed!:-)

One of the things I've noticed since starting with Doc L and starting AlterKATE, my op/ed voice seems to be coming back! I lost it around 2000 and, no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't there. Well, I think there are glimmers and I am going to work on my first piece, probably in a different blog. I'll post when I get it done.

Anyway, one of my tasks this week is to clear off the jewellery-making table and make a piece of jewellery to show Doc L next time we meet which will be after Thanksgiving week. When we moved my office PC out of that room, everything just was dumped, so the jewellery table is slightly buried. It won't take long, but the mental effort seems so much, today. Maybe later in the day.

The major thing I have admitted this week is it is not just anxiety, it is depression. Doc Jeri and I spoke about it on Monday and Tuesday. Doc L and I spoke of it on Wednesday when he agreed with her, that some medicine might help. They both think it is likely, given past events, that my serotonin levels are depleted; meds may help bring them back up. Later that same day, I went back to Doc J and asked her for medicine to help. She gave me samples to try of Lexapro with words of caution, encouragement, and a big hug. She is the most wondrous doctor. She told me she was proud of me for taking this step as she knows how reluctant I am to take any prescription meds and it was difficult for me, as a healer, to admit I couldn't take care of myself, on my own, this time even with the wonderful support and love I've received from friends. I feel very fortunate to have such friends and such caregivers as her and Doc L.

So, I took half of a Lexapro yesterday about 2pm and within the hour I was having a panic attack thinking maybe it was causing worse symptoms. I decided to ride it out a bit, felt fairly sleepy so tried napping...was too restless, much to the disgust of my cats. By 5pm I was pacing, then called Rog to beg him to come home early. He had to stop at the grocery store. I had to get out of the house; by then I was really in a tizzy. I loaded up the dog, my O2, and car keys; went out to the car, in the dark, let the dog in, climbed in and started the car from the passenger seat. We waited for Rog to get home as we would ride along to the grocery store. It would have been a lot easier for him to stop on his way home, get what we needed and just come home, but he came to get me. He knows how much even just getting out to the store can mean to me when I am feeling so frazzled and anxious.

For the first time ever, just before he came home and with his agreement, I took a generic xanax. I've never done that before, always used them only at night. Doc J and I both hope the Lexapro will be so effective I will not need the xanax, but for now it is available. She said it can take up to six weeks for the Lexapro to take effect.

My hair has really been an indication of stress and moods. I have always washed it every morning of my life until the last few months when I just haven't felt like it. Lately, it has been coming out in handfulls, it seems like, and has been dry and flyaway. Some of that is from dehydration, but Doc J says it is also from the stress.

This whole thing seems to be about my body wanting more exercise and care taken with it AND my mind catching up to my body. I had been in that invalid state of not being physically able to do much for so many years...there's a lot of old thinking which needs to be cleared out. Here's hoping the meds, therapy, and my friends and my own self can pull it off!