Some fun and a bumpy road

I had a great session with L on Friday. My assignment had been to show him a new piece of jewellery I made. I told him I'd make a necklace for his wife. My one-of-a-kind custom jewellery designs are made through intuitive guidance as I *tune* into my client and the gemstones. (My company is StonePeople Designs.) I didn't even know his wife's name, nor colouring, nothing except he thinks she looks prettiest in pink!

I had been having trouble going into the office/jewellery room as I'd spent all of my days and evenings in there until recently and it feels like a cage. I had a real aversion to it recently; hence the assignment. So I sat down, finally, on Wednesday to see what I could come up with. It took several tries, always with the beads letting me know if they liked where I put them. Finally, I came up with a design using rose quartz and small fresh water cultured pearls with glass beads of green with swirlies of purple when the light hits them just right. There are also some small, finishing beads of green, pink and white swirled together.

L really liked it and assured me his wife would, too. He then showed it to his office manager who said, "Oh it looks just like her. She will love it!" Turns out his wife is blond and loves pastel colours, esp. pink and green, so that made me feel really good. I guess I still have the "touch."

That evening, our grandson came over while his parents went to a holiday party. I had a tiny bit of anxiety at the thought of having him over in the evening, esp. after such a busy day for me. It was the first day I'd driven myself anywhere since I started taking antidepressants. It turned out fine. We had a lot of fun and he went home around 9p, after teaching "mama" how to play a star wars video game with him on our tv. First time I've ever played an active video game; it was a lot of fun. He is so good at it; it was funny; he'd pat me on the back, tell me I was doing a good job (at the beginner's level!) and he'd moved me up to the No.1 position on his team!

By then, I was feeling very tired and my intestines had been uncomfortable. I never slept that night, Friday, nor the next. I don't know if it's a side effect of zoloft kicking in, but both nights were rough roads...up almost every hour, sitting in the bathroom, defecating more than seemed possible for one body. Zoloft at night along with a whole tablet of xanax did nothing to help me relax and sleep last night. That old joke about the asshole ruling over the mind and the rest of the body came to mind.:-) The only sleep I did get was when Rog actually put his hand on my abdomen and held me...it helped me relax..his hands are always so warm and soothing.

There is not as much pain from it, today. I did eat out twice last week which may have upset things as it was the first meat (chicken and bacon, separately) that I have had in about two months. I will call the doc, tomorrow, if it hasn't improved. I hope I sleep tonight. I am only having oatmeal and toast with maybe a little mint tea.

It made me realise how fragile I may still be. This afternoon, I was feeling so cruddy. I had a major panic attack which went off into the realms of "Oh, no, what if it's (name your malady!) What if I have to fight with the new doctor to convince her I know my own body? What if she insists on this and that!?" All the old PTSD from being bullied by my former doc. came up. There is nothing anyone has told me about the new doc which would indicate her being at all like that. Xanax has taken the edge off of, plus Rog was once again, quite helpful. And, so it goes. Learning to live in balance, again.

Thanks for listening!