Off the rails - maybe a good thing?

After reading over my initial post, from October, I found out I was angry at myself for not being able to just conquer all of this with my metaphysical training. Then I realised nowhere did I ever learn I was to eschew help of any kind which seemed "right" including medical help and medicines. I have never been one who does not believe in using Western medicine when necessary. So, again I learned I am not a Super Woman and that's okay. I still love me..I can even say so in the mirror! I am not weak for using xanax and lexapro to help me recover from a depression which I think has been going on a lot longer than I ever knew.

One thing I know I have been doing a lot over the past few years is avoiding conflict. I quit writing op/ed columns at a time when I was being published nationally; I quit volunteering for a human rights organisation for which I had done PR work; I stopped friends, the tv, and radio if the least little thing came up which I thought would be too much for me, would upset me too much. I knew it was partly because I am an empath and we do have to protect ourselves, but now I am wondering if it wasn't just fatigue from depression; just not having the wherewithal to listen, debate, etc. There are a handful of friends with whom I have had a back and forth, a give and take, throughout and I am convinced this has kept me going much longer than otherwise.

Today started out angry, but improved after breakfast. Our son called to see if I still wanted to go target shooting. I have not been in over thirty years and have a whole different outlook about guns, now, but I do still have my dad's .22 single shot rifle and fond memories of Sunday picnics when dad would set a penny on a log and shoot a hole through it with his six-shooter. I come from a long line of Western sharpshooters and ranch people so using a gun properly was instilled in us from a young age; likewise my children were taught the extreme safety measures of true respect for the lethal weapon a gun really is.

I had been so shaky from meds last night I wasn't sure I could even hold the rifle much less hit the broad side of a barn (not really, no barns in sight and I wouldn't have shot at one, anyway!) Last night, I took the third night of a half-dose of lexapro. I tried to make it the night through without any xanax, but at 1230a, I gave up and took one half of one. That settled me for a bit. I tossed and turned a lot from side effects of the lexapro, according to what I have read about it.

I did okay the rest of the day, sort of. We did go target-shooting and I found out I could hold the rifle and I could at least get to within a few feet of a target. Once I get used to it, again, I might do my dad proud and get back to "dead-eye" status. My Rog did a bullseye, dead center with our son's 9 millimeter and I did hit one target with one shot from it, but it's too loud and heavy for me to like shooting. I'll stick to my old-fashioned, slow and easy .22.

When we came home, we stopped off to pick up our grandson, M. He was a busy bee with his toy tools, going all over our house pounding in screws, hammering on windowsills. Then he set up a pillow, a yoga ball on a bin and crawled under them to tell me he would have my car ready for me soon; there was a lot to fix! By the time he was done it had seating for 14 and a swimming pool! He is so inventive and fun. We played a few hands of UNO then he went home.

A little later just as I was starting to feel anxious, Rog and I left for the store. I went in, this time, and it was a horrible time. I did okay, we got the groceries, but everything annoyed me and I couldn't wait to get out, plus my feet hurt. That is not like me, at all. Usually, I try to smile at folks because I know they probably don't want to be there and it might brighten their day.

A friend opined we strong women, Wise Wimmin, go and go, taking on more and more, not recognising the toll it is taking until there is one pebble too many added on to the pile. I believe she is spot on; that is just what I feel like. I cannot even get in touch with my metaphysical practices because my head is just kind of stuck. I can sit and say "thank you" over and over and know the Cosmic/Great Spirit hears me and knows, but that is about it, for now.

We went for a drive after the store, but it was in the wrong direction through ugly developments and did nothing to alleviate my mood; usually I can at least get a nap in the car, but not so this time. So, I have been restless, angry, frustrated and demanding. Puir Rog doesn't know what to do. I took a xanax to stave off the anxiety I felt coming. I didn't know what to eat; nothing sounded good, though I was very hungry which is a side effect of lexapro. Finally, I had a cup of brocoli soup and a piece of toast with raspberry preserves. I do not feel as lethargic, today, as I did yesterday, so maybe the one half xanax at night for another few nights will be okay and the lexapro will kick in. I do not feel the side effects as much now as earlier. I definitely think taking it at bedtime works best for me.

I have to figure out a way to get my mind into the exercise my body is screaming for...my mind is still in the old invalid way thinking of how much work it is and how much easier it is to let Rog get things for me and such. I am active during the day when I am alone and with M., but I have to get back to a steady program...my body is just craving it so badly. One thing at a time seems to be the most I can do. So, get the meds going and move to the next.

I did get some laundry done, today; cleaned the bathroom with M's help; and, with Rog's help, cleared a space on the jewellery table. (There's a bunch of stuff we didn't get to, today, but Rog needed more time off. We had to go to the station last night for an emergency.) Oh, and I have to practice my dulcimer in order to play for the volunteer coordinators at hospice on the 30th! What was that I was saying about one thing at a time?

I hope this is really helping someone; it seems like more spewing to me.:-) Thanks for listening.

On the Lexapro Trail

I can tell the effects of the lexapro have lessened. As the morning went by, I felt better, but still too shaky to drive, so Rog came home for lunch then took me to the coumadin clinic. Good news on that. My INR is right in the center of where we want it, so all of the meds increased, decreased, and added in have not mucked that up, thank goodness!

I fell asleep for a short time on the ride home. When I got in the house I saw my son-in-law had called just after M was to be picked up at school. I thought "Oh, no, my daughter must've been mixed up and we were supposed to get him." So, I didn't listen to any messages, I just called my s-i-l and asked if we'd messed up. He was nice and said that M had called to see if he could come over for a short while. So, M came over and we played Monopoly until we both almost fell asleep. It is too warm in the house, the sunshine was making us sleepy, and the little water fountain sounding like a small brook in the living room also made us sleepy, so I sent him home and came to catch up, here, before I tottle off for a nap with my fur-persons. They've both let me know it's naptime!

I spoke with the nurse who reassured me DocJ will be in on Monday if this isn't working with the lexapro. I spoke with the pharmacist who agreed with me that taking it at night might help with not noticing the side effects as much. He also said it is one of the easier drugs out there with less side effects. He said it is the old prozac with some of the old "bugs" worked out of it and that most people tolerate it well.

I have to decide what to do...if I try more of it this weekend, or wait until Rog is off next week. He may have to go on the mountain, tomorrow, if the new equipment comes in. If he does, I will want to go with him, but not if I feel the way I did last night and this morning. On the other hand, I would feel a lot happier being with him, rather than alone and anxious as most days have been. We won't know if the equipment will be here until about 1030a, so if I take it tonight, maybe the worst of the effects will have dissipated by then. If I don't take it, then I am faced with taking it tomorrow morning and having the effects hit me, if they are going to, in the middle of while we're on the mountain, away from all comforts except Rog (a major one!) and his truck (warm!) and cellphones. I think, after I talk with him about it, I will probably take one, tonight, and let the chips fall where they may. I want to make things as easy as possible for him, if he has to work tomorrow, but we both want me to get better. Personally, I am giving thanks the new equipment doesn't get here until Monday and he won't have to go any where!

Thanks for listening!

Getting to know lexapro

finally called Doc J, yesterday afternoon. She told me she thought the shakiness was probably more from the xanax than lexapro, but it had started before I took the xanax. She urged me to try to get past the side effects of lexapro, as they should subside in a few days. I was feeling really nauseous as well as very hungry, but no food sounded "good" and I know my blood sugar was getting low, so I became even more anxious about needing to eat, but not wanting to. She suggested that I not take a lexapro today and give my system a bit more time to adjust to it. That lifted my mood a tiny bit, gave me some relief from that particular anxiety.

Earlier, a girlfriend emailed me to urge me to talk with my doc as she had had terrible side effects from lexapro and didn't get hold of her doc right away thinking it was just her being weak or whatever; so, she tried to stick it out and things got worse as well as her doc went out of town that week. She felt better about me knowing I'd spoken with my doc. If I am not doing well with it by Monday, we will do something else. My Rog may take most of next week off, so I guess it would be a good week for more experimentation, though I would really like for the lexapro to work...I don't like mixing up new "cocktails." With the coumadin and heart meds I am on, we've reached a happy medium...it is scary to mess around with it. My system has always been hyper-sensitive; now, it seems even more so...the slightest change can have a fairly major effect.

So, no lexapro since yesterday morning, yet I felt it, still, this morning. I woke up angry, really, really angry. My thoughts were scattered; I didn't know what I might do; it scared me, not as in kill myself. I have never felt suicidal not in all of my life, but as in get in the car and drive when I shouldn't because of the shakiness, etc. I told Rog. I begged him to stay home with me; I told him I was afraid to be alone. He stayed until 9am, after fixing me breakfast, listening to me, talking with me, and asking me to please be well as he had to go in for a couple of hours at least.

So...here I am...it's been 1.5hrs since he left. I have managed to speak with my daughter when she called. (I will not have my grandson this afternoon, which is good, even though I miss him.) I have washed my hair...a major accomplishment! And, even more major, I spoke, coherently, with a woman from hospice who got my message about wanting to play my dulcimer there. We have set up an appt. for the 30th for me to go in to meet her and another volunteer coordinator so they can hear me play, then they will set me up with a schedule to go play for the patients. Phew! That's big scary, but GOOD scary as I know it will help me and I will love helping anyone who might need a bit of respite. I've been completely upfront with them about where I am coming from and why I want to be doing this for myself as much as for them. I thought that sounded a little selfish, but they seemed to completely understand. This feels like an incredibly HUGE step out into the community. We've lived here seven and a half years now; granted I was mostly an invalid for the first few, but it's still been a long time away from folks.

And, now, my Siamese, Kipling, who never in his life has climbed up onto my desk, has just, for the second time in two days, crept very carefully over to the pad in front of my keyboard and lied down on it, right in front so that it is difficult for me to type and I cannot reach the track ball. Yesterday, he very carefully nested right over the track ball like a biddy hen! I guess he wants me to stop, so that's all for now. Thanks for listening!

Next Phase - Admitting Depression

I met with the therapist, Doc L yesterday. It was our third visit. I used some absolutes whilst talking about a girlfriend, saying I would never be talking with her again and I recounted some of the same "forever" statements I knew I'd used the night before to my husband. So...this week, I am to watch out and remove the absos from my vocab.:-)

I also, with Doc L's help, gave myself permission to let go of the nanowrimo novel, for this year and not beat myself up over not completing it. In case that is as clear as mud, nanowrimo is a wonderful, crazy, fun event which comes about every November in which writers commit, to themselves and the world if they wish it to see, to write a 50,000 novel in the month of November. One turns off their Inner Editor and just goes for to it. I have done this, successfully, in 2006 and 2008. I think I am not supposed to do it on unevenly numbered years, so I'll try again next year. This was a HUGE decision as I was really disappointed and feeling as though I'd let myself down. I was really down on myself. Way down. Okay, I know you've got the picture. I was bummed!:-)

One of the things I've noticed since starting with Doc L and starting AlterKATE, my op/ed voice seems to be coming back! I lost it around 2000 and, no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't there. Well, I think there are glimmers and I am going to work on my first piece, probably in a different blog. I'll post when I get it done.

Anyway, one of my tasks this week is to clear off the jewellery-making table and make a piece of jewellery to show Doc L next time we meet which will be after Thanksgiving week. When we moved my office PC out of that room, everything just was dumped, so the jewellery table is slightly buried. It won't take long, but the mental effort seems so much, today. Maybe later in the day.

The major thing I have admitted this week is it is not just anxiety, it is depression. Doc Jeri and I spoke about it on Monday and Tuesday. Doc L and I spoke of it on Wednesday when he agreed with her, that some medicine might help. They both think it is likely, given past events, that my serotonin levels are depleted; meds may help bring them back up. Later that same day, I went back to Doc J and asked her for medicine to help. She gave me samples to try of Lexapro with words of caution, encouragement, and a big hug. She is the most wondrous doctor. She told me she was proud of me for taking this step as she knows how reluctant I am to take any prescription meds and it was difficult for me, as a healer, to admit I couldn't take care of myself, on my own, this time even with the wonderful support and love I've received from friends. I feel very fortunate to have such friends and such caregivers as her and Doc L.

So, I took half of a Lexapro yesterday about 2pm and within the hour I was having a panic attack thinking maybe it was causing worse symptoms. I decided to ride it out a bit, felt fairly sleepy so tried napping...was too restless, much to the disgust of my cats. By 5pm I was pacing, then called Rog to beg him to come home early. He had to stop at the grocery store. I had to get out of the house; by then I was really in a tizzy. I loaded up the dog, my O2, and car keys; went out to the car, in the dark, let the dog in, climbed in and started the car from the passenger seat. We waited for Rog to get home as we would ride along to the grocery store. It would have been a lot easier for him to stop on his way home, get what we needed and just come home, but he came to get me. He knows how much even just getting out to the store can mean to me when I am feeling so frazzled and anxious.

For the first time ever, just before he came home and with his agreement, I took a generic xanax. I've never done that before, always used them only at night. Doc J and I both hope the Lexapro will be so effective I will not need the xanax, but for now it is available. She said it can take up to six weeks for the Lexapro to take effect.

My hair has really been an indication of stress and moods. I have always washed it every morning of my life until the last few months when I just haven't felt like it. Lately, it has been coming out in handfulls, it seems like, and has been dry and flyaway. Some of that is from dehydration, but Doc J says it is also from the stress.

This whole thing seems to be about my body wanting more exercise and care taken with it AND my mind catching up to my body. I had been in that invalid state of not being physically able to do much for so many years...there's a lot of old thinking which needs to be cleared out. Here's hoping the meds, therapy, and my friends and my own self can pull it off!