I met with the therapist, Doc L yesterday. It was our third visit. I used some absolutes whilst talking about a girlfriend, saying I would never be talking with her again and I recounted some of the same "forever" statements I knew I'd used the night before to my husband. So...this week, I am to watch out and remove the absos from my vocab.:-)
I also, with Doc L's help, gave myself permission to let go of the nanowrimo novel, for this year and not beat myself up over not completing it. In case that is as clear as mud, nanowrimo is a wonderful, crazy, fun event which comes about every November in which writers commit, to themselves and the world if they wish it to see, to write a 50,000 novel in the month of November. One turns off their Inner Editor and just goes for to it. I have done this, successfully, in 2006 and 2008. I think I am not supposed to do it on unevenly numbered years, so I'll try again next year. This was a HUGE decision as I was really disappointed and feeling as though I'd let myself down. I was really down on myself. Way down. Okay, I know you've got the picture. I was bummed!:-)
One of the things I've noticed since starting with Doc L and starting AlterKATE, my op/ed voice seems to be coming back! I lost it around 2000 and, no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't there. Well, I think there are glimmers and I am going to work on my first piece, probably in a different blog. I'll post when I get it done.
Anyway, one of my tasks this week is to clear off the jewellery-making table and make a piece of jewellery to show Doc L next time we meet which will be after Thanksgiving week. When we moved my office PC out of that room, everything just was dumped, so the jewellery table is slightly buried. It won't take long, but the mental effort seems so much, today. Maybe later in the day.
The major thing I have admitted this week is it is not just anxiety, it is depression. Doc Jeri and I spoke about it on Monday and Tuesday. Doc L and I spoke of it on Wednesday when he agreed with her, that some medicine might help. They both think it is likely, given past events, that my serotonin levels are depleted; meds may help bring them back up. Later that same day, I went back to Doc J and asked her for medicine to help. She gave me samples to try of Lexapro with words of caution, encouragement, and a big hug. She is the most wondrous doctor. She told me she was proud of me for taking this step as she knows how reluctant I am to take any prescription meds and it was difficult for me, as a healer, to admit I couldn't take care of myself, on my own, this time even with the wonderful support and love I've received from friends. I feel very fortunate to have such friends and such caregivers as her and Doc L.
So, I took half of a Lexapro yesterday about 2pm and within the hour I was having a panic attack thinking maybe it was causing worse symptoms. I decided to ride it out a bit, felt fairly sleepy so tried napping...was too restless, much to the disgust of my cats. By 5pm I was pacing, then called Rog to beg him to come home early. He had to stop at the grocery store. I had to get out of the house; by then I was really in a tizzy. I loaded up the dog, my O2, and car keys; went out to the car, in the dark, let the dog in, climbed in and started the car from the passenger seat. We waited for Rog to get home as we would ride along to the grocery store. It would have been a lot easier for him to stop on his way home, get what we needed and just come home, but he came to get me. He knows how much even just getting out to the store can mean to me when I am feeling so frazzled and anxious.
For the first time ever, just before he came home and with his agreement, I took a generic xanax. I've never done that before, always used them only at night. Doc J and I both hope the Lexapro will be so effective I will not need the xanax, but for now it is available. She said it can take up to six weeks for the Lexapro to take effect.
My hair has really been an indication of stress and moods. I have always washed it every morning of my life until the last few months when I just haven't felt like it. Lately, it has been coming out in handfulls, it seems like, and has been dry and flyaway. Some of that is from dehydration, but Doc J says it is also from the stress.
This whole thing seems to be about my body wanting more exercise and care taken with it AND my mind catching up to my body. I had been in that invalid state of not being physically able to do much for so many years...there's a lot of old thinking which needs to be cleared out. Here's hoping the meds, therapy, and my friends and my own self can pull it off!
Showing posts with label NaNoWriMo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NaNoWriMo. Show all posts
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Catch-up No. 12
Twelfth Installment 8 Nov. 2009:
I remember I tend to go great guns then crash, so I am trying to temper myself and stay in balance.
I may have done this subconsciously today. I was to help clean house then go to a nanowrimo write-in event, to write for four hours on my novel, in a nice quiet library space.
We did clean the house. We took M-the grandson a rocking chair as part of his b-day present for next week. I was going to put something on ebay today which left my clothes full of sticky fibers, so at about 11a, I stripped, put them in the wash and decided what else I could wear to meet my fellow nano-ers.
Along about 1145a, Rog was gone buying beer and bringing me back lunch when I put on the other trousers which I fixed; I go to fill my pockets and realise my cellphone is being washed, squeaky-dead clean in the washer, in my pants' pocket, along with my poor crystal, lapis and a couple of other stonepeople! They are okay, the phone is toast.
I find out Rog was planning on driving me in anyway, so that's okay, but then I realise I will have to find a phone to call him when I am ready and I will have too much to carry around to do so, SO, I call my almost six year old grandson and ask if I might borrow his cellphone!**bg** Of course, he said "Sure!"
About that time, I realise it is after twelve o'clock, the event starts at 1p and I haven't washed my hair, eaten, or finished getting dressed. So, I wash, I dress, I sit down to eat. It's okay, it's only 1230, I thought. I tell Rog I'll be ready in a minute, which I am, but the clock says 1240p! We take off. He's found me a nifty little bag for the mini-lap and he carries it, my water, and extra O2 tanks out to the car and we are off with a quick stop at M's for the cellphone. We get a ways down the road when I remember I forgot my weakest glasses for using with the mini-lap, so we go back with Rog getting instructions of where to find them and to grab the external rollerball mouse. All the while, I am trimming and sawing away on my fingernails with a file as they bug me on the keyboard if they are too long (besides when playing instruments like the fiddle and dulcimer, I know!) THEN, we start off once more.
Twenty minutes later and we are there. Only the library lady is in the special room set aside for nanowrimo. Silly me, on a beautiful Sunday, I expected scads of insane people, pulling their hair out with bleary eyes, mumbling two thousand, four hundred and ninety three, only forty-seven thousand and some to go. Oh gawd! I'll never do it! And/or, some zippy thing flouncing in and singing out, I am over the hump and on the down slope at thirty-five thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine! Instead there is a nice library lady who says a couple more folks said they'd be in sometime and... there's me. Rog helped me get set up. I visited with her for a few minutes then put the stick in the USB to upload the latest version of Ranch on Poison Spider hot off my PC at home, when I see I saved it in the wrong format...ALL of the html is showing. I'll never be able to write with all of that muck. (I have Open Office on my mini-lap.) So, I start looking for how to convert. (I am new to OO.) By the time I figure out, I think, how to use the OO converter, I have saved all versions with the html showing, so now the converter thinks it is supposed to be part of the rtf or some such, so I get the same thing. The librarian offered to look for a converter online, but didn't find anything quickly and by that time I figured something was telling me I wasn't supposed to be there, so I called The Knight in Shining Armour Services. They sent over their oldest, most experienced champion who loaded my gear and me into the chariot and brought me home, although it was in a roundabout fashion, past a couple of other places where he was employed. So, here's my writing of the day...for you, my friends. I hope it made ya laugh, at least. And, not to worry, I have the formatting all figured out and am going to check with the branch library about having a write in nearer to home.:-)
I remember I tend to go great guns then crash, so I am trying to temper myself and stay in balance.
I may have done this subconsciously today. I was to help clean house then go to a nanowrimo write-in event, to write for four hours on my novel, in a nice quiet library space.
We did clean the house. We took M-the grandson a rocking chair as part of his b-day present for next week. I was going to put something on ebay today which left my clothes full of sticky fibers, so at about 11a, I stripped, put them in the wash and decided what else I could wear to meet my fellow nano-ers.
Along about 1145a, Rog was gone buying beer and bringing me back lunch when I put on the other trousers which I fixed; I go to fill my pockets and realise my cellphone is being washed, squeaky-dead clean in the washer, in my pants' pocket, along with my poor crystal, lapis and a couple of other stonepeople! They are okay, the phone is toast.
I find out Rog was planning on driving me in anyway, so that's okay, but then I realise I will have to find a phone to call him when I am ready and I will have too much to carry around to do so, SO, I call my almost six year old grandson and ask if I might borrow his cellphone!**bg** Of course, he said "Sure!"
About that time, I realise it is after twelve o'clock, the event starts at 1p and I haven't washed my hair, eaten, or finished getting dressed. So, I wash, I dress, I sit down to eat. It's okay, it's only 1230, I thought. I tell Rog I'll be ready in a minute, which I am, but the clock says 1240p! We take off. He's found me a nifty little bag for the mini-lap and he carries it, my water, and extra O2 tanks out to the car and we are off with a quick stop at M's for the cellphone. We get a ways down the road when I remember I forgot my weakest glasses for using with the mini-lap, so we go back with Rog getting instructions of where to find them and to grab the external rollerball mouse. All the while, I am trimming and sawing away on my fingernails with a file as they bug me on the keyboard if they are too long (besides when playing instruments like the fiddle and dulcimer, I know!) THEN, we start off once more.
Twenty minutes later and we are there. Only the library lady is in the special room set aside for nanowrimo. Silly me, on a beautiful Sunday, I expected scads of insane people, pulling their hair out with bleary eyes, mumbling two thousand, four hundred and ninety three, only forty-seven thousand and some to go. Oh gawd! I'll never do it! And/or, some zippy thing flouncing in and singing out, I am over the hump and on the down slope at thirty-five thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine! Instead there is a nice library lady who says a couple more folks said they'd be in sometime and... there's me. Rog helped me get set up. I visited with her for a few minutes then put the stick in the USB to upload the latest version of Ranch on Poison Spider hot off my PC at home, when I see I saved it in the wrong format...ALL of the html is showing. I'll never be able to write with all of that muck. (I have Open Office on my mini-lap.) So, I start looking for how to convert. (I am new to OO.) By the time I figure out, I think, how to use the OO converter, I have saved all versions with the html showing, so now the converter thinks it is supposed to be part of the rtf or some such, so I get the same thing. The librarian offered to look for a converter online, but didn't find anything quickly and by that time I figured something was telling me I wasn't supposed to be there, so I called The Knight in Shining Armour Services. They sent over their oldest, most experienced champion who loaded my gear and me into the chariot and brought me home, although it was in a roundabout fashion, past a couple of other places where he was employed. So, here's my writing of the day...for you, my friends. I hope it made ya laugh, at least. And, not to worry, I have the formatting all figured out and am going to check with the branch library about having a write in nearer to home.:-)
Catch-up No. 7
Seventh Installment 2 Nov. 2009:
Phew! I made it, (to the first therapy session) a lot thanks to you all giving me courage!
What a wonderful man, Doc L, I met with this morning. We have a lot in common and I really like him. I will see him next week when we will talk more, of course.
I have some "homework." I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but it is all stuff I feel good about and can do...it may take a bit of thinking but I can do it.
I did get really antsy this afternoon and had to get out of the house. M and I were just getting ready to go to the store when his dad came to get him after work. I went to the store alone and was okay, but then had that awful feeling about 5p. Went out to the car and sat waiting for Rog to get home and go to the grocery store with me. He is a good and patient man. I am better now.
I found it is not such a bad thing to *listen* to the anxiety and see what it wants, i.e. get out of the house, etc. AND one strategy the doc gave me was to plan things to do out of the house in the later afternoon when I know I may feel badly. One thing I may do is, after M goes home, take my new mini-laptop to the library/bookstore/coffeeshop and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. This is day two, technically and I only have about 4000 words!
Thanks, again, my dear, dear friends. I am overwhelmed at your kindness and would only remind you I give out what I receive, so right back atcha all the kind and wonderful things you have said.
Phew! I made it, (to the first therapy session) a lot thanks to you all giving me courage!
What a wonderful man, Doc L, I met with this morning. We have a lot in common and I really like him. I will see him next week when we will talk more, of course.
I have some "homework." I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but it is all stuff I feel good about and can do...it may take a bit of thinking but I can do it.
I did get really antsy this afternoon and had to get out of the house. M and I were just getting ready to go to the store when his dad came to get him after work. I went to the store alone and was okay, but then had that awful feeling about 5p. Went out to the car and sat waiting for Rog to get home and go to the grocery store with me. He is a good and patient man. I am better now.
I found it is not such a bad thing to *listen* to the anxiety and see what it wants, i.e. get out of the house, etc. AND one strategy the doc gave me was to plan things to do out of the house in the later afternoon when I know I may feel badly. One thing I may do is, after M goes home, take my new mini-laptop to the library/bookstore/coffeeshop and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. This is day two, technically and I only have about 4000 words!
Thanks, again, my dear, dear friends. I am overwhelmed at your kindness and would only remind you I give out what I receive, so right back atcha all the kind and wonderful things you have said.
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