Getting to know lexapro

finally called Doc J, yesterday afternoon. She told me she thought the shakiness was probably more from the xanax than lexapro, but it had started before I took the xanax. She urged me to try to get past the side effects of lexapro, as they should subside in a few days. I was feeling really nauseous as well as very hungry, but no food sounded "good" and I know my blood sugar was getting low, so I became even more anxious about needing to eat, but not wanting to. She suggested that I not take a lexapro today and give my system a bit more time to adjust to it. That lifted my mood a tiny bit, gave me some relief from that particular anxiety.

Earlier, a girlfriend emailed me to urge me to talk with my doc as she had had terrible side effects from lexapro and didn't get hold of her doc right away thinking it was just her being weak or whatever; so, she tried to stick it out and things got worse as well as her doc went out of town that week. She felt better about me knowing I'd spoken with my doc. If I am not doing well with it by Monday, we will do something else. My Rog may take most of next week off, so I guess it would be a good week for more experimentation, though I would really like for the lexapro to work...I don't like mixing up new "cocktails." With the coumadin and heart meds I am on, we've reached a happy medium...it is scary to mess around with it. My system has always been hyper-sensitive; now, it seems even more so...the slightest change can have a fairly major effect.

So, no lexapro since yesterday morning, yet I felt it, still, this morning. I woke up angry, really, really angry. My thoughts were scattered; I didn't know what I might do; it scared me, not as in kill myself. I have never felt suicidal not in all of my life, but as in get in the car and drive when I shouldn't because of the shakiness, etc. I told Rog. I begged him to stay home with me; I told him I was afraid to be alone. He stayed until 9am, after fixing me breakfast, listening to me, talking with me, and asking me to please be well as he had to go in for a couple of hours at least.

So...here I am...it's been 1.5hrs since he left. I have managed to speak with my daughter when she called. (I will not have my grandson this afternoon, which is good, even though I miss him.) I have washed my hair...a major accomplishment! And, even more major, I spoke, coherently, with a woman from hospice who got my message about wanting to play my dulcimer there. We have set up an appt. for the 30th for me to go in to meet her and another volunteer coordinator so they can hear me play, then they will set me up with a schedule to go play for the patients. Phew! That's big scary, but GOOD scary as I know it will help me and I will love helping anyone who might need a bit of respite. I've been completely upfront with them about where I am coming from and why I want to be doing this for myself as much as for them. I thought that sounded a little selfish, but they seemed to completely understand. This feels like an incredibly HUGE step out into the community. We've lived here seven and a half years now; granted I was mostly an invalid for the first few, but it's still been a long time away from folks.

And, now, my Siamese, Kipling, who never in his life has climbed up onto my desk, has just, for the second time in two days, crept very carefully over to the pad in front of my keyboard and lied down on it, right in front so that it is difficult for me to type and I cannot reach the track ball. Yesterday, he very carefully nested right over the track ball like a biddy hen! I guess he wants me to stop, so that's all for now. Thanks for listening!

Playing Catch-up aka Self-Plagarizing

I have had a limited capacity for writing over the past few weeks, so was posting more on another site rather than here; most of what I said there is what I would have said here, so...I am going to copy and paste some of that in order to catch up; then, I hope to carry on mostly here. Hope that is clearer than mud!:-) It is ALL related to the Altering of Kate - that's me!*bg*

First Installment 21 Oct. 2009:

Some of you have known I've been a bit under the weather ever since contracting pneumonia last April. I thank you for your discretion. I had a delightful doctor's visit, today, with the woman doc who does OMT, osteo-manipulation-therapy and also some spiritual counseling/work...hands on kind of stuff. I was asking about coping with a lot of anxiety I've been having lately. (My mind has been latching onto every little thing, going off on tangents.)

There are many reasons for this not least of which is my Rog having to work every weekend and a lot of late nights this past month as they moved the television station where he is chief engineer. This coming weekend is the first he will have had off in over a month. THAT has completely messed up our home routines and I have felt very alone. As a consequence errands have piled up as has housework, etc. We do have clean clothes and food, at least.:-)

But, other factors have had their impact, too, losing our soul mate friend in April, Sandy and his grandson, and now Barry, as well as various friends being in hospital, two of whom I am very close to, and I had some major complications with side effects of the pneumonia and the meds they prescribed for it. Also, feeling as if I had to gird up for a fight every time I went in to see my regular doc. (That will be changing, soon.) Plus, certain family members have been projecting their own major anxieties which I feel I have picked up on.

In talking with the doc this morning, it came to me I have not asked my online friends for help as I thought there was just too much for us all to already cope with and I didn't want to add to the burden. I now realise this was rather stupid, so here I am, hat in hand, so to speak, asking you, please, for some good energy, calm, peacefullness, etc. The docs say my lungs and heart are fine. It's that old bugaboo panic/anxiety that needs to be gone.

Another good thing we determined...I want to be playing my dulcimer to help folks heal, so I am going to try going to a Peace Garden at a local hospital and just sit and play...I find nursing homes and hospice too sad for me, right now, but the garden is nurturing and any one who wants may wander in for a listen, i.e. it feels *safe* for me, too. (I've been really anxious about germs, lately!*bg*)

I've got to take baby steps, but it feels good to do so and it feels VERY good to come to my friends. Thank you, very much.