Seventh Installment 2 Nov. 2009:
Phew! I made it, (to the first therapy session) a lot thanks to you all giving me courage!
What a wonderful man, Doc L, I met with this morning. We have a lot in common and I really like him. I will see him next week when we will talk more, of course.
I have some "homework." I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but it is all stuff I feel good about and can do...it may take a bit of thinking but I can do it.
I did get really antsy this afternoon and had to get out of the house. M and I were just getting ready to go to the store when his dad came to get him after work. I went to the store alone and was okay, but then had that awful feeling about 5p. Went out to the car and sat waiting for Rog to get home and go to the grocery store with me. He is a good and patient man. I am better now.
I found it is not such a bad thing to *listen* to the anxiety and see what it wants, i.e. get out of the house, etc. AND one strategy the doc gave me was to plan things to do out of the house in the later afternoon when I know I may feel badly. One thing I may do is, after M goes home, take my new mini-laptop to the library/bookstore/coffeeshop and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. This is day two, technically and I only have about 4000 words!
Thanks, again, my dear, dear friends. I am overwhelmed at your kindness and would only remind you I give out what I receive, so right back atcha all the kind and wonderful things you have said.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Catch-up No.6
Sixth Installment...a shorty! 27 Oct. 2009:
I have changed what I do when I go to bed; for the first time in my life I am not reading in bed. There have been a few books, lately, which have kept me awake because I wanted to know what happens next! The only thing which helps, right now, is music, specifically Native American flute, some tapes I've had for umpteen years which evoke some happy memories.
I have changed what I do when I go to bed; for the first time in my life I am not reading in bed. There have been a few books, lately, which have kept me awake because I wanted to know what happens next! The only thing which helps, right now, is music, specifically Native American flute, some tapes I've had for umpteen years which evoke some happy memories.
Catch-up No.5
Fifth Installment 26 Oct 2009:
I had some major anxiety last night. This morning, I called Dr. J's office, the woman who does OMT. I was going to just ask her for more xanax (I've had two, one each the past two nights and it has helped) until I see the therapist on Nov. 2. They said she had an opening this morning, so I went in to see her. She thinks the serotonin levels in my brain were depleted and haven't caught up to how much better I am doing physically. She would have preferred putting me on a anti-depressant, but I don't feel that depressed and also don't like the idea of taking something new. At least with xanax I know what to expect and can get some sleep. I only have 20 tabs and my docs know I don't have a problem with getting off of it. I am also going to look into natural remedies for the serotonin. She also recommended another doc in their practice whom she thinks I would like a lot better that my PCP. The guy she recommended is more wholistic, spiritual,. and calm...so, though I feel some anxiety about just making the call, I am going to call and see if I can get into see him in the next month. If I can't or don't like him for some reason, she has also given me the name of a woman who is coming to a new practice in Dec. or Jan. Either way, I will be getting a new doc!
I know I don't need permission from anyone about what to do with my body, but she suggested that I could take a half of a xanax during the day if I felt an attack coming on; I've been using them at night only. I think just her "giving me permission" to do so had a big effect as I have not had any anxiety of any significance today. Of course, I know that has a lot to do with you all, too. So that's me...an update and being cautiously optimistic.:-)
I had some major anxiety last night. This morning, I called Dr. J's office, the woman who does OMT. I was going to just ask her for more xanax (I've had two, one each the past two nights and it has helped) until I see the therapist on Nov. 2. They said she had an opening this morning, so I went in to see her. She thinks the serotonin levels in my brain were depleted and haven't caught up to how much better I am doing physically. She would have preferred putting me on a anti-depressant, but I don't feel that depressed and also don't like the idea of taking something new. At least with xanax I know what to expect and can get some sleep. I only have 20 tabs and my docs know I don't have a problem with getting off of it. I am also going to look into natural remedies for the serotonin. She also recommended another doc in their practice whom she thinks I would like a lot better that my PCP. The guy she recommended is more wholistic, spiritual,. and calm...so, though I feel some anxiety about just making the call, I am going to call and see if I can get into see him in the next month. If I can't or don't like him for some reason, she has also given me the name of a woman who is coming to a new practice in Dec. or Jan. Either way, I will be getting a new doc!
I know I don't need permission from anyone about what to do with my body, but she suggested that I could take a half of a xanax during the day if I felt an attack coming on; I've been using them at night only. I think just her "giving me permission" to do so had a big effect as I have not had any anxiety of any significance today. Of course, I know that has a lot to do with you all, too. So that's me...an update and being cautiously optimistic.:-)
Catch-up No.4
Fourth Installment 25 Oct. 2009:
It IS important to be reminded that this is temporary. I spoke with my niece last night. She is a very wise, genius-type with both feet planted on earth and an incredible bit of experience. She talked me through a nasty attack and called back today to help me with my confidence and doc issues. The major thing today is we finally moved the computers. THAT, I think, is going to make a BIG difference.
My plan for tomorrow is to call for an appt. with a new doc to go meet her and see if we would be a good "fit." I will also start putting my old office back together...it is a huge mess!
I managed a tiny walk and did some qi gong and that helps. My Rog is worn out beyond belief..if you have any spare energy to send him, it would be appreciated. The move is now in the put-it-all-together and make it all work even better AND install some other all new systems which have learning curves.
Even though my Rog has been exhausted, he did get some major stuff done, today. We started out thinking a narrow table was going to be okay for my computer station in the dining room, across from where he is in the kitchen, but when we tried it, it was obviously not going to work. So, I emptied it, emptied the smaller library table we use for a dining table in the kitchen and put it over in the dining room for my PC. Then I emptied the jewellery table which had stuff piled on it from my desk clean-up a few weeks ago. That is the larger library table and we would move it out to the kitchen for our dining table. Covered, of course, to be careful with it. It has been used that way before. Anyway, it is big and hard to get out of the office. I knew Rog didn't want to do it and he was being very grumbly. BY this point I would normally get mad and frustrated, throw up my hands and say forget it! But, this time I knew we had to get it done, so I stayed calm and called my daughter. She and her husband, with M, came over and moved the big table out to the kitchen and the smaller, narrow table back to the office for a jewellery table.
After a few more bumps with Rog in determining what needed to be done network-wise, etc. he finally moved my main PC, printer, scanner, and cassette dubber to the dining room. We have it all set up and are listening, now, to Celtic Sojourn on WGBH. It feels really good to be sitting out here with Rog, talking with you all, with my houseplants looking over my shoulder.:-) There is still a lot to be done. Tons of stuff to put away or get rid of. I hope having this major shift done will help with the anxiety as I know some of it was coming from looking at all of the stuff I wanted to do on the PC out here and couldn't do until it was moved.
Right now, I am typing this in the dining room, just across from the kitchen where Rog is, while we listen to NPR on the radio and it is really nice to be out here instead of feeling so isolated back in the office. Now it will be strictly for writing, jewellery-making, and meditation.
Thank you, my friends.
It IS important to be reminded that this is temporary. I spoke with my niece last night. She is a very wise, genius-type with both feet planted on earth and an incredible bit of experience. She talked me through a nasty attack and called back today to help me with my confidence and doc issues. The major thing today is we finally moved the computers. THAT, I think, is going to make a BIG difference.
My plan for tomorrow is to call for an appt. with a new doc to go meet her and see if we would be a good "fit." I will also start putting my old office back together...it is a huge mess!
I managed a tiny walk and did some qi gong and that helps. My Rog is worn out beyond belief..if you have any spare energy to send him, it would be appreciated. The move is now in the put-it-all-together and make it all work even better AND install some other all new systems which have learning curves.
Even though my Rog has been exhausted, he did get some major stuff done, today. We started out thinking a narrow table was going to be okay for my computer station in the dining room, across from where he is in the kitchen, but when we tried it, it was obviously not going to work. So, I emptied it, emptied the smaller library table we use for a dining table in the kitchen and put it over in the dining room for my PC. Then I emptied the jewellery table which had stuff piled on it from my desk clean-up a few weeks ago. That is the larger library table and we would move it out to the kitchen for our dining table. Covered, of course, to be careful with it. It has been used that way before. Anyway, it is big and hard to get out of the office. I knew Rog didn't want to do it and he was being very grumbly. BY this point I would normally get mad and frustrated, throw up my hands and say forget it! But, this time I knew we had to get it done, so I stayed calm and called my daughter. She and her husband, with M, came over and moved the big table out to the kitchen and the smaller, narrow table back to the office for a jewellery table.
After a few more bumps with Rog in determining what needed to be done network-wise, etc. he finally moved my main PC, printer, scanner, and cassette dubber to the dining room. We have it all set up and are listening, now, to Celtic Sojourn on WGBH. It feels really good to be sitting out here with Rog, talking with you all, with my houseplants looking over my shoulder.:-) There is still a lot to be done. Tons of stuff to put away or get rid of. I hope having this major shift done will help with the anxiety as I know some of it was coming from looking at all of the stuff I wanted to do on the PC out here and couldn't do until it was moved.
Right now, I am typing this in the dining room, just across from the kitchen where Rog is, while we listen to NPR on the radio and it is really nice to be out here instead of feeling so isolated back in the office. Now it will be strictly for writing, jewellery-making, and meditation.
Thank you, my friends.
Catch-up - Third Installment
Third Installment 24 Oct. 2009 - later in the day:
So far, today, I am feeling more at ease, I suppose because Rog is here and we did get some errands done this morning. I will be glad of a good night's sleep tonight. Part of last night's problem was dehydration...still having some effect today, but getting better.
I was going to post the long, dreary story of all that has gone on, but I don't think I want all of that "out" there. It's enough to say every week from the first of April to end of Sept. was the doc wanting more blood tests, wanting many more invasive tests, etc. with me saying "no wait, let's see, I know what this is...we've been here before," to him then, him warning me with all kinds of dire predictions, his nurse calling to say he really wanted me to reconsider because WHAT IF...they gave no credit for what a person can really know about their own body...no pollyanna shite in sight, based on past medical records of past 5 years. (Looks as though I am going to blither anyway:-)
On top of all of that, when I said no to all of the extreme tests he wanted to get done, he sent me to the cardio to make sure THAT wasn't causing the "problem." The cardio scared the hell out of me muttering something about loose stitches around the mechanical heart valve AND open heart surgery to fix any they might find! I told him he was causing some REAL anxiety to which he replied, "I don't mean to." AFTER all of that, my regular doc's in-house tests show the heart and lungs doing fine and well and I proved I know my body, but they put me in a horrible tailspin and I became fearful and dependent thinking I had to look to them for every little thing which bugged my body...they undermined my confidence and I am just now starting to get it back. To be fair to the regular doc, I did confront him at one point and he apologised, but it's the authoritative way of him that I will not deal with any more.
The other thing which really pushed me over the top in the past two weeks was a friend with whom I have counselled before...she is not as skilled in non-threatening, non-accusatory language as I am, but she is brilliant and comes up with good and helpful stuff, usually. Not so recently. She went off on how much she hates allopathic medicine and how it had made me a hypochondriac, though she agreed it had only been in the past few months that she heard me talking so much about my health and the docs, and a bunch of other crap. I felt as though I'd been sucker-punched and it took me a week to get her out of my head. She sent an email apology, but again had to just "reiterate" what she meant, as if I did not get it! Okay, that's enough. Thanks for listening. And, thanks for your support...better, but still fragile.
So far, today, I am feeling more at ease, I suppose because Rog is here and we did get some errands done this morning. I will be glad of a good night's sleep tonight. Part of last night's problem was dehydration...still having some effect today, but getting better.
I was going to post the long, dreary story of all that has gone on, but I don't think I want all of that "out" there. It's enough to say every week from the first of April to end of Sept. was the doc wanting more blood tests, wanting many more invasive tests, etc. with me saying "no wait, let's see, I know what this is...we've been here before," to him then, him warning me with all kinds of dire predictions, his nurse calling to say he really wanted me to reconsider because WHAT IF...they gave no credit for what a person can really know about their own body...no pollyanna shite in sight, based on past medical records of past 5 years. (Looks as though I am going to blither anyway:-)
On top of all of that, when I said no to all of the extreme tests he wanted to get done, he sent me to the cardio to make sure THAT wasn't causing the "problem." The cardio scared the hell out of me muttering something about loose stitches around the mechanical heart valve AND open heart surgery to fix any they might find! I told him he was causing some REAL anxiety to which he replied, "I don't mean to." AFTER all of that, my regular doc's in-house tests show the heart and lungs doing fine and well and I proved I know my body, but they put me in a horrible tailspin and I became fearful and dependent thinking I had to look to them for every little thing which bugged my body...they undermined my confidence and I am just now starting to get it back. To be fair to the regular doc, I did confront him at one point and he apologised, but it's the authoritative way of him that I will not deal with any more.
The other thing which really pushed me over the top in the past two weeks was a friend with whom I have counselled before...she is not as skilled in non-threatening, non-accusatory language as I am, but she is brilliant and comes up with good and helpful stuff, usually. Not so recently. She went off on how much she hates allopathic medicine and how it had made me a hypochondriac, though she agreed it had only been in the past few months that she heard me talking so much about my health and the docs, and a bunch of other crap. I felt as though I'd been sucker-punched and it took me a week to get her out of my head. She sent an email apology, but again had to just "reiterate" what she meant, as if I did not get it! Okay, that's enough. Thanks for listening. And, thanks for your support...better, but still fragile.
Catch-up - Second Installment
Second Installment 24 Oct. 2009:
Don't know why, but here I am, not a lick of sleep since my head hit the pillow at 1130p, so I gave up, for now at least. Excited about Rog and I having the weekend together, again and all that we will do. My mind keeps trying to go off on a tangent of doom and gloom so I've been busy reining it back in...I think I will have a good nap this morning when Rog is driving us around to our errands!
No tylenol, no albuterol,and no claritin for almost two weeks now and I am getting better sleep, when I get it. This is really the only very l-o-n-g night I've had since giving those up. I am convinced some of the anxiety is from PTSD over the past six months, esp. in dealing with an authoritarian doc with whom I feel I had to fight tooth and nail when he wanted to go off on tangents with a bunch of unnecessary tests when I knew what the problem was and had to prove it to him. When I think of that, I am determined to get a new doctor, but the anxiety then rears up and says...ugh...having to explain everything...get up to speed with a new doc...so much work and what if...then I yell "STOP" and redirect my mind. IF I can give myself some time and take each day then I don't feel so anxious. For those of you who may be very concerned, I have an appt. on Nov. 2nd to see a therapist recommended by the woman doc I go to for OMT. I trust her judgement implicitly, so am looking forward to the appt. Now I am getting sleepy, so maybe I am off to dream.:-) Thanks for listening.
Don't know why, but here I am, not a lick of sleep since my head hit the pillow at 1130p, so I gave up, for now at least. Excited about Rog and I having the weekend together, again and all that we will do. My mind keeps trying to go off on a tangent of doom and gloom so I've been busy reining it back in...I think I will have a good nap this morning when Rog is driving us around to our errands!
No tylenol, no albuterol,and no claritin for almost two weeks now and I am getting better sleep, when I get it. This is really the only very l-o-n-g night I've had since giving those up. I am convinced some of the anxiety is from PTSD over the past six months, esp. in dealing with an authoritarian doc with whom I feel I had to fight tooth and nail when he wanted to go off on tangents with a bunch of unnecessary tests when I knew what the problem was and had to prove it to him. When I think of that, I am determined to get a new doctor, but the anxiety then rears up and says...ugh...having to explain everything...get up to speed with a new doc...so much work and what if...then I yell "STOP" and redirect my mind. IF I can give myself some time and take each day then I don't feel so anxious. For those of you who may be very concerned, I have an appt. on Nov. 2nd to see a therapist recommended by the woman doc I go to for OMT. I trust her judgement implicitly, so am looking forward to the appt. Now I am getting sleepy, so maybe I am off to dream.:-) Thanks for listening.
Playing Catch-up aka Self-Plagarizing
I have had a limited capacity for writing over the past few weeks, so was posting more on another site rather than here; most of what I said there is what I would have said here, so...I am going to copy and paste some of that in order to catch up; then, I hope to carry on mostly here. Hope that is clearer than mud!:-) It is ALL related to the Altering of Kate - that's me!*bg*
First Installment 21 Oct. 2009:
Some of you have known I've been a bit under the weather ever since contracting pneumonia last April. I thank you for your discretion. I had a delightful doctor's visit, today, with the woman doc who does OMT, osteo-manipulation-therapy and also some spiritual counseling/work...hands on kind of stuff. I was asking about coping with a lot of anxiety I've been having lately. (My mind has been latching onto every little thing, going off on tangents.)
There are many reasons for this not least of which is my Rog having to work every weekend and a lot of late nights this past month as they moved the television station where he is chief engineer. This coming weekend is the first he will have had off in over a month. THAT has completely messed up our home routines and I have felt very alone. As a consequence errands have piled up as has housework, etc. We do have clean clothes and food, at least.:-)
But, other factors have had their impact, too, losing our soul mate friend in April, Sandy and his grandson, and now Barry, as well as various friends being in hospital, two of whom I am very close to, and I had some major complications with side effects of the pneumonia and the meds they prescribed for it. Also, feeling as if I had to gird up for a fight every time I went in to see my regular doc. (That will be changing, soon.) Plus, certain family members have been projecting their own major anxieties which I feel I have picked up on.
In talking with the doc this morning, it came to me I have not asked my online friends for help as I thought there was just too much for us all to already cope with and I didn't want to add to the burden. I now realise this was rather stupid, so here I am, hat in hand, so to speak, asking you, please, for some good energy, calm, peacefullness, etc. The docs say my lungs and heart are fine. It's that old bugaboo panic/anxiety that needs to be gone.
Another good thing we determined...I want to be playing my dulcimer to help folks heal, so I am going to try going to a Peace Garden at a local hospital and just sit and play...I find nursing homes and hospice too sad for me, right now, but the garden is nurturing and any one who wants may wander in for a listen, i.e. it feels *safe* for me, too. (I've been really anxious about germs, lately!*bg*)
I've got to take baby steps, but it feels good to do so and it feels VERY good to come to my friends. Thank you, very much.
First Installment 21 Oct. 2009:
Some of you have known I've been a bit under the weather ever since contracting pneumonia last April. I thank you for your discretion. I had a delightful doctor's visit, today, with the woman doc who does OMT, osteo-manipulation-therapy and also some spiritual counseling/work...hands on kind of stuff. I was asking about coping with a lot of anxiety I've been having lately. (My mind has been latching onto every little thing, going off on tangents.)
There are many reasons for this not least of which is my Rog having to work every weekend and a lot of late nights this past month as they moved the television station where he is chief engineer. This coming weekend is the first he will have had off in over a month. THAT has completely messed up our home routines and I have felt very alone. As a consequence errands have piled up as has housework, etc. We do have clean clothes and food, at least.:-)
But, other factors have had their impact, too, losing our soul mate friend in April, Sandy and his grandson, and now Barry, as well as various friends being in hospital, two of whom I am very close to, and I had some major complications with side effects of the pneumonia and the meds they prescribed for it. Also, feeling as if I had to gird up for a fight every time I went in to see my regular doc. (That will be changing, soon.) Plus, certain family members have been projecting their own major anxieties which I feel I have picked up on.
In talking with the doc this morning, it came to me I have not asked my online friends for help as I thought there was just too much for us all to already cope with and I didn't want to add to the burden. I now realise this was rather stupid, so here I am, hat in hand, so to speak, asking you, please, for some good energy, calm, peacefullness, etc. The docs say my lungs and heart are fine. It's that old bugaboo panic/anxiety that needs to be gone.
Another good thing we determined...I want to be playing my dulcimer to help folks heal, so I am going to try going to a Peace Garden at a local hospital and just sit and play...I find nursing homes and hospice too sad for me, right now, but the garden is nurturing and any one who wants may wander in for a listen, i.e. it feels *safe* for me, too. (I've been really anxious about germs, lately!*bg*)
I've got to take baby steps, but it feels good to do so and it feels VERY good to come to my friends. Thank you, very much.
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