I can see it is going to take some practice at keeping this blog going. I started writing on a forum I frequent, again, and realise I have been neglecting this blog. With very kind encouragement from a friend, I am here to continue.

This week has brought much revelation not least of which is I had not been asking my online social network friends for help through a hellish six months. I *thought* they all had too much on their plates already, I know I did, so go figure, right? Well, when I saw my OMT doc this week and burst out crying about panic, anxiety, and depression, we started talking and it hit me...I had not asked my friends for help! They had helped me through so much before, including open heart surgery! I went home that day and sat down to write to them. The responses have been so loving, kind, silly bringing on healing laughter, supportive, etc, I shake my head and wonder that I waited SO long. Shows you where my head has been!

I will write more, I promise. For now, this is what I can muster. It is late afternoon and I have almost passed the 2-5pm time which seems to be my low point for attacks.

My Rog will be home with me this whole weekend...that's the other thing which had thrown me off...he's been gone three weekends in a row and several late nights as they moved the television station he is chief engineer for...so I've been alone plus had no help around the house. we've both had colds and I am still on oxygen during the day until I lose ten more pounds gained from steroids when I had pneumonia back in April. It's been a long haul, but my thoughts are turning more towards what my friends are saying rather than doom and gloom. One friend calls it her "Doom and Gloom" voice and does not deny it or pretend it doesn't exist as that doesn't work. What she does do is say "Thank you for sharing, now move along!" Works for me! Take care dear ones and may blessed beings of light guide your way!

Taking action...give it up, give it up!

On a practical matter, JR also told me the albuterol I was using could cause anxiety and also shaking. I have had jerky limbs, shaky hands and feet for months which the docs said they thought was from weakened muscles from being inactive whilst ill and possibly from a muscle relaxant, tizanadine, they had me on.

So, when I prepared for bed last night, I created a different routine. From the time, JR and I said goodbye on the phone, I have been writing down whatever I was thinking and feeling with reminders that I AM NOT WHAT I THINK. A few minutes later, another girlfriend called. Last time we spoke she was in her own depths of despair and I had been concerned about her. She sounded MUCH better and as we talked about what had improved for her and what I was struggling with, she told me about a bumper sticker she'd seen:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK!

What a perfect summation of we had been talking about! Earlier in the evening, after talking with JR, I was busy scribbling down my thoughts as they were coming in fast, just as JR pointed out to me. She didn't think I realised just how much time I was spending in the OLD thinking. My hand got tired of writing about them all; I can barely read some of what I wrote last night! What I can read well are things such as

My Consciousness recognises this thinking.
I am not my Thinking!
Broken thinking is false.
Expose thinking through Higher Consciousness.
BE CALM AND RESTING WHILE IN BED.

It was not easy to adhere to those. I had a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of not using the albuterol and tylenol at night; fear of lack of sleep; fear of lack of energy; fear of a general miasma of ill-feeling/anxiety with no focus. I was even fearing what I might say to my other girlfriend when she called! I was rehearsing what I would say to her because I didn't want to give the negative in my life any energy. BUT that was ridiculous as I soon found out when she said hello. My fears were a result of false thinking. We had a wonderful visit; she helped me and told me of the bumper sticker. THAT stuck in my head!

And, so to bed...next post.:-)

How did I get here. Funny you should ask!

Sometimes it takes a really good friend, someone we really trust, to smack us upside the head and wake us up. I've been moping for over six months from having pneumonia and subsequent side effects from various medicines, etc. My girlfriend pointed out to me, once again, how much time I had been spending on thinking and talking about my doctors, medicines, health or what I saw as lack of health. I knew I was on a vicious cycle, but kept looking outside of myself for answers for what to do about it. JR, my friend, was very firm with me as we talked on the phone last night. I have been feeling much anxiety and some depression, esp. lately. First we realised the anxiety could be caused by the albuteral I no longer needed but was using at night and during the day to calm down my breathing. My lungs were declared fine months ago by all the docs. I was declared well and good months ago. So...what JR helped me with was remembering what I've always known: I AM NOT MY THINKING. My Higher Consciousness recognises that broken thinking, i.e. OLD thinking is FALSE, is BROKEN and had been dominating my life. Every time a little thing would happen, a sleepless night, a hangnail, a slight cough, a sore toe, my mind would immediately take off on a tangent, building it up into far realms of doctors visits, dire pronouncements, medicines, and even, surgery! I didn't get to that state overnight, to be sure. I have had legitimate and major health issues and I think (there's that word, again!) I have had some post surgical, post pneumonia stress disorder, but my Higher Consciousness tells me the Truth, that I am able, well, and need have no fear. That "Right here, Right Now, All is Well, and I am Safe and Sound." That's living in the Now, for me. But, even that has not been enough, lately. So, when I asked JR what to do and after we agreed it would have to come from within, she advised me to write down the thinking and to remember I AM NOT MY THINKING. More in the next post.

What is alterKATE?

At 56 years of age, what I call "centre-age," I have just completed a seven year cycle of my life which included being on oxygen for eight years for a leaky heart valve, getting the valve replaced and dealing with two bouts of pneumonia over the past three years. There's more, but THIS blog is to chronicle my alteration from OLD THINKING as an invalid to NEW THINKING, transforming myself and my life to HEALTH through my Higher Consciousness which can easily distinguish the Truth from what seems to be the facts. I am calling this "alterKATE" as I have been known as some form of "Kate" most of my adult life and I like the connotations.