Getting better...for real!

Sorry it has taken me so long to post, again, esp. after that last post. A lot has happened. Today is the tenth day since we bumped up the zoloft to 50mg. A friend's psychiatrist told her it takes ten days to feel anything and thirty for it to really kick in. I can definitely feel the difference and I know Rog does, too.

I have had some rough days in between and a few attacks, but not like before. The worst, most recently, was the morning we went to meet our new doctor. I didn't slept the whole night, I was so nervous. Xanax didn't even make a dent and I didn't take another all night because I didn't want to be groggy when we met her. I was rushing around, trying to get ready, voicing my fears when Rog told me to take another one. I think he thought we might not make it out the door, I was so anxious. Part of it was because of the weather. We'd had several inches of snow, which is very unusual for here, and the roads were still packed with ice. We'd also had record-breaking lows of 10 below. We had to go in his big pickup truck, plus our driveway was packed with snow-ice. I fell on ice once and broke open the back of my head, so I do NOT like walking on it. Wearing my Birkenstocks with Rog carrying my oxygen bag, we crept out to the truck. Finally, we got to the truck, he opened the door, and set a small plastic step-stool down for me; otherwise I couldn't get in...my 5'2" just won't reach. I was even afraid to step up on the stool, it was so icy. By then, I was sure we were going to be late. With Roger's help, I managed to get in and settled. As it was, we walked in the door right at 8a, our appt. time!

After filling out papers to have our records transferred (YES! No more bully doc for us!), they took us in a room to take our vitals, then told us the doc was late as her kids' school bus wouldn't start and she had to wait with them until another came. We didn't have to wait too long and by the time she came I was settled down from the xanax and relief to just be there.

She is very nice, astute, asked a bunch of good questions and, most importantly, she listened well. When I said something about our old doc, by name, she looked me in the eye and said she'd been a partner of his. I wasn't sure whether to say, "so you know" or ask if that would be a problem. Before I could decide, she said they'd "had their differences" now and then. So I knew she knows what I meant. I told her I put great credence in what a doctor tells me, if I trust them, and everything I hear goes straight to my heart, so I need a doc who will be careful how they phrase things and also one who will give me credit for knowing my own body. I elaborated a bit on what happened when the bully didn't do so.

We took care of prescriptions, she examined Rog and asked him questions, too, then told him he didn't need to come back for six months and I needed to see her in three, as long as we were doing okay. I felt so relieved and we were both impressed and pleased. After waiting so long to do something about getting a new doc, then going through with it made me feel so good.

One of the main ways I know the meds are helping is I have noticed a BIG difference in Roger. What it must've been like for him all this time, living with me being depressed and not even knowing it...just being crabby, etc., well, yes and genuinely ill, at times. Anyway, I feel I am getting my husband back. He had withdrawn and spent much time on his computer, still does, but now we talk, really talk and laugh and discuss and enjoy one another's company, again. I am not whining to him the minute he walks through the door, begging him to rub my shoulders, feed me, and/or talk to me. That one always gets him. He'll say "what do you want to talk about?" I'd say, "Anything, just talk!" Well, a girlfriend will understand...we just think differently. I do know, though, that a part of his frustration was my the depression and the effect it has had on both of us. So for now, I will say, I still feel fragile, BUT much better and I have some joy back in my married life which is really wonderful. I know I have a long way to go, but I keep getting these neat glimmers of who I really AM and can't wait to get her back!

Some fun and a bumpy road

I had a great session with L on Friday. My assignment had been to show him a new piece of jewellery I made. I told him I'd make a necklace for his wife. My one-of-a-kind custom jewellery designs are made through intuitive guidance as I *tune* into my client and the gemstones. (My company is StonePeople Designs.) I didn't even know his wife's name, nor colouring, nothing except he thinks she looks prettiest in pink!

I had been having trouble going into the office/jewellery room as I'd spent all of my days and evenings in there until recently and it feels like a cage. I had a real aversion to it recently; hence the assignment. So I sat down, finally, on Wednesday to see what I could come up with. It took several tries, always with the beads letting me know if they liked where I put them. Finally, I came up with a design using rose quartz and small fresh water cultured pearls with glass beads of green with swirlies of purple when the light hits them just right. There are also some small, finishing beads of green, pink and white swirled together.

L really liked it and assured me his wife would, too. He then showed it to his office manager who said, "Oh it looks just like her. She will love it!" Turns out his wife is blond and loves pastel colours, esp. pink and green, so that made me feel really good. I guess I still have the "touch."

That evening, our grandson came over while his parents went to a holiday party. I had a tiny bit of anxiety at the thought of having him over in the evening, esp. after such a busy day for me. It was the first day I'd driven myself anywhere since I started taking antidepressants. It turned out fine. We had a lot of fun and he went home around 9p, after teaching "mama" how to play a star wars video game with him on our tv. First time I've ever played an active video game; it was a lot of fun. He is so good at it; it was funny; he'd pat me on the back, tell me I was doing a good job (at the beginner's level!) and he'd moved me up to the No.1 position on his team!

By then, I was feeling very tired and my intestines had been uncomfortable. I never slept that night, Friday, nor the next. I don't know if it's a side effect of zoloft kicking in, but both nights were rough roads...up almost every hour, sitting in the bathroom, defecating more than seemed possible for one body. Zoloft at night along with a whole tablet of xanax did nothing to help me relax and sleep last night. That old joke about the asshole ruling over the mind and the rest of the body came to mind.:-) The only sleep I did get was when Rog actually put his hand on my abdomen and held me...it helped me relax..his hands are always so warm and soothing.

There is not as much pain from it, today. I did eat out twice last week which may have upset things as it was the first meat (chicken and bacon, separately) that I have had in about two months. I will call the doc, tomorrow, if it hasn't improved. I hope I sleep tonight. I am only having oatmeal and toast with maybe a little mint tea.

It made me realise how fragile I may still be. This afternoon, I was feeling so cruddy. I had a major panic attack which went off into the realms of "Oh, no, what if it's (name your malady!) What if I have to fight with the new doctor to convince her I know my own body? What if she insists on this and that!?" All the old PTSD from being bullied by my former doc. came up. There is nothing anyone has told me about the new doc which would indicate her being at all like that. Xanax has taken the edge off of, plus Rog was once again, quite helpful. And, so it goes. Learning to live in balance, again.

Thanks for listening!